Continuing to Break The Chains

Last night as my therapist prayed with me I felt peace but the emotion that had stirred was still so heavy. My therapist looked me deep in the eyes and said, I wanted you to journal if there is anything left of these emotions and work through them. Then I want you to spend some time with Jesus. I felt as if she knew my alone and quiet time had been lacking. I want you to spend time with Him and pray and see what He will reveals.

As I sat up in bed last night, I cried more and prayed more and journaled last nights heavy emotions. The sense of anxiety weighed heavy on my heart, the pain and emotion was so raw. That even as I tried to write or seek God's guidance that my heart and eyelids were so heavy that I couldn't clearly think or seek God to the depths that I needed to go. I truly needed rest. So I decided to go to bed. But I remembered as my therapist assigned me the time with God and time to reflect I remembered that this Tuesday, today, I had a late start for work. I didn't have to be in the office until 8am. I knew then that was the perfect time to spend with God since I don't get much sleep, I would be awake at my normal schedule. 

So here I sit in Starbucks just having spent the past hour journaling and praying and so in love with God and what he revealed. 

I ordered a croissant of yummy goodness across the street and a new latte, coffee dates with Jesus. I need to enjoy this time, not thinking about the budget or the calories, but to just give into what sounded perfect.

I sat down, opened up the journal and the devotional and turned on my favorite worship station. I was ready to read and pray and journal and to dig through the emotions. I figured the process would be awhile. But no, God jumped straight to what He wanted me to do and pray.

The lyrics came on: "There is POWER in the name of JESUS to break every chain."

God wasted no time, He jumped right to the point. He wanted me to break every chain. Every chain of pain that binded me. 

I laid the thoughts of the past at the feet of the Cross. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the disappointment- I gave those over to God and asked Him to take them captive.

I prayed more and wrote more as He spoke. 

You are light, when the darkness closes in. You are peace, Oh Lord, when my fear is crippling. My fear was crippling. 

I hand my future to you Lord, take it and give me peace and patience in this process.

"Greater is He that is in you, than he who is in the world." -1 John 4:4

You are my protector, you fight the battle for me. I need to give you the battle. Even in the midst of war, you fight for Me. 

In His presence I find peace. I think I often forget that and I forget to just sit still in His presence. 

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." -Ephesians 6:12

I prayed what the next devotional read

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling." Exodus 15:13 (NIV)

: 

Lord, let my actions aim to please You, not other people. May the pleasure I find in You satisfy my soul. Your view of me surpasses anything else I desire or pursue, so I praise Your Name and rest in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:

Psalm 63:2-3, "So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains." (MSG)

Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (ESV)

As I prayed and tightly closed my eyes, I prayed for God to reveal more, something specific, something of truth. I was astounded by what He revealed, because it was something He had revealed to me before... yet again, I was awakened and encouraged by the way God loved me and cherished and delighted in me. I had prayed last night to felt delighted in.

He revealed words that He has spoken before, words which I had thankfully journalled a few months ago.

http://jennandcamden.blogspot.com/2013/05/awaken.html

In the midst of deep sorrow, His light breaks through and redeems me. I press into Him. He fights my every battle. 

Thank you Lord for breaking every chain so I can be free. Thanks for standing in the gap, thank you for walking with me. Lastly, thank you for whispering the words I needed to hear:

YOU ARE WORTH AND WONDERFUL!!!

Thank you Lord for the ability to dig deep, dig deep into the emotional heartache and pain of the past. Lord, I lay these feelings at your feet and I ask you to redeem me. I ask you to continue to fill me with your love and joy. I pray for your peace. I pray that I may fill loved and cherished by you always. I give these “memories” and hurts and pain to you, oh Lord.

Please pray for me as I continue working through such pain and to find healing and restoration. Pray for me to find joy in Christ alone. That I don’t need birthdays or celebrations to feel cherished, but that I would feel loved by Chris alone. 

Flood Gates of Emotion

Monday  nights seem to be the heaviest nights of the week for me. Honestly because I have therapy. But as I sit here with a heavy heart and heavy and puffy eyelids, the evening did not start as I had planned.

I sat in my doctor’s office this evening to do a check up on my injured leg/knee. The appointment was a 6pm and I had told the receptionist when scheduling it that I had to be someone where by 645pm. It was the first prayer night after the summer at church. I loved these nights of prayer and worship. As the clock ticked away, I got more and more emotional the longer I waited. Forty minutes later the doctor strolled in and my eyes were filled with tears. I didn’t like the information he gave me as well. He referred me to  an orthopedic doctor/surgeon to have my knee looked at by an expert. He rulled out a torn meniscus or ACL for the most part. He said more than likely it will heal itself in about 6 weeks, but physical therapy would be a good option. It was not the news I wanted to hear, my best friend’s wedding is in 34 days. I have to wear heels. I miss working out, and having energy and being able to do things. As I sat in the car, rushing towards the church, my head filled with thoughts of how much is this bill going to cost and then the next one. How can I continue to hobble around slowly and feel so incapable of doing much and feeling so needy, but refusing to ask for help. Then some peace settled amongst my tear filled eyes…. Rest. But I don’t like rest? Rest!! But it’s hard, and I have a million and one things to do… just rest my sweet child. You and I both know you need it.

As I snuck into the room full of people, I began to sing worship and praise. I went up to have a pastor and friend pray with me. They spoke such truth, which always breaks my heart because I long for truth who I am to be spoken to me by my family. We prayed for feeling of my leg. We prayed for my work place, and for my heart and the future and lastly we prayed for my future husband. Tears filled my eyes and I felt God speaking.

As I sat afterwards with my therapist, I caught her up on my week and then we discussed new goals. I was in an emotional state after everything that had already happen that evening and I began talking about my fear of disappointment in my family for the future. I fear being let down by them again and again. I fear abandonment by them . My greatest desire is to be known and loved. To feel like I am known, like the way a spouse or best friend is supposed to know each other. For years, I felt so lonely. (I know I have fulfillment in Christ and have a great source of church family). But what I’m talking about is truly digging deep into emotion, digging into the pain of the past and feeling the pain that I felt in the moments of the memories that I was going through.

Tears flowed as I recalled the moment my parents stopped giving us gifts for Christmas and just started handing us cash. The feelings of that they didn’t care enough to know me and get me a gift of value and meaning, a gift that showed me they knew me and loved me. A memory of high school and how my friends that I had known for over five years forgot my birthday, I then began recalling every birthday. I have luckily had some good ones in recent years. But each year I am so fearful of not turning a year older but feeling forgotten and unknown and being disappointed. The pain was so raw. Birthdays are so special to me because I feel as though it’s the one day a year about me. The one day I ask for.

As this pain was raw and open, my therapist began praying for me. Praying for healing for my leg and praying for healing of my heart as I work through this all.

Thank you Lord for the ability to dig deep, dig deep into the emotional heartache and pain of the past. Lord, I lay these feelings at your feet and I ask you to redeem me. I ask you to continue to fill me with your love and joy. I pray for your peace. I pray that I may fill loved and cherished by you always. I give these “memories” and hurts and pain to you, oh Lord.

Please pray for me as I continue working through such pain and to find healing and restoration. Pray for me to find joy in Christ alone. That I don’t need birthdays or celebrations to feel cherished, but that I would feel loved by Chris alone. Lord I pray for rest during this time, and to be still so your can strengthen me! 

Pray for me as I rest this week. 

Praise: 27 Weeks

Praise: 27 Weeks

I feel like I'm pretty open, at least in this forum of writing/journaling/blogging. It seems to be an outlet for me to express myself and process the things I am learning and going through.

Most people who have met me or have seen me live life would never know that I have experienced some traumatic verbal and emotional abuse for most of my life. Heartbreaking neglect and hurtful and harsh words thrown at me from my parents, the people that are suppose to love and accept me most. For the longest time, I held it in. I surrounded myself in busyness and burying this deep heartache and pain because no one could know. It was the lie I believed. I felt unloved and unlovable.

Well, today I sat across from my therapist like I do every Monday. We talked about my week and the things I had learned, the frustrations, and what I was looking forward to coming up. My therapist wanted to go over my goals that we set towards the beginning of when we first began meeting. Mainly e beginning of my time. She told me our session tonight marked 27 weeks. My lucky number, my age, my golden year. I have never missed a session because my heart for change, healing, progress, and love was so great

As she read through my short-term and medium term goals. I had met each one, some of which exceed in progress in leaps and bounds. My long-term goals are a work in progress... working on complete forgiveness, acceptance, and respect for my parents and family relationships.

She talked about how I had two options:
1) To stop our sessions where we were.
2) To make new goals and continue working together.

I told her 1 was not an options at all and needed to be taken off the table.

I can't help but be so overjoyed. I have found so much peace, forgiveness and healing. I have gained so much confidence and self-worth and self-love. I have deepened my relationship with Christ and others along this journey and am so thankful that Christ has been there through this whole process. I am thankful to CCV for having the opportunity for me to seek help during some dark sorrows and heartaches and to have someone who walked alongside me in the journey. I am thankful for the opportunity to be vulnerable, unfiltered, to laugh, and to cry. I am loved and lovable.

I am so thankful for this journey and to continue to see change in my life and relationships and am excited to see what the next days, weeks, and months look like.

Psalm 107:19-21

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.  Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.

Psalm 30:2

O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Jeremiah 17:14

Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

Mark 5:34

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

The Holy Suffering: Transition

As I was reading through my devotionals tonight, it didn't quite hit the spot. So I decided to read the evening before's: 
"Choosing to suffer means that there must be something wrong with you, but choosing God’s will— even if it means you will suffer— is something very different. No normal, healthy saint ever chooses suffering; he simply chooses God’s will, just as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not." 
What does it mean to suffer or to suffer from what? My mind immediately went to thoughts of Haiti . As some friends of mine have just returned from their first time in Haiti, it can't help but bring up the very fond memories of Haiti, of the children, staff and such joy and laughter. While the memories are fond, my love for Haiti causes an ache in my heart as I desire to be there verses here. I long for the simplicity and feeling so in line with God's call, feeling like you are in the center within His' will as you serve the orphan and the widow... literally. In coming back home, there is the transition period which is sometimes a few days and sometimes it is a few months. For me, I was annoyed with the selfishness of Americans and annoyed with the fact that people just didn't get it and didn't take the time to listen to me as I was processing and as was trying to understand what God just did in my heart.

As I have have now been to Haiti on three separate occasions, among at least 3-4 other mission trips I continue to learn more about myself and about the process. Oswald Chambers states it in last nights devotional: "Look at God’s incredible waste of His saints, according to the world’s judgment. God seems to plant His saints in the most useless places. And then we say, “God intends for me to be here because I am so useful to Him.” Yet Jesus never measured His life by how or where He was of the greatest use. God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that may be." People may view my time in Haiti as a waste because I went with other peoples' money or because I stopped pursuing a career or education or vacation for a moment. But God calls us to love to the ends of the earth. God places us where we can bring Him the most glory. So for two weeks that was in Haiti, then again and then again. But right now I am home and God has me here until He leads me back to Haiti or calls me elsewhere. I think it is important to remember to serve and invest where I am. I don't think that jumping into service should be taken lighthearted because processing the journey of serving in another country is so important, but I think it vital to make a connection point based on the things that God taught you or me in that place of growth, learning, or brokenness. 

For me, I invest in the relationships I have in Haiti by sending notes and care packages, I support the missionaries in whatever way I can whether that be financial or supply-wise. I pray and encourage those I can who are serving or who are in the process of understanding it all. I know when people were praying and weren't, when you're in the mission field you can feel it. You can feel the power of the Holy Spirit moving when you are being lifted up in thought and prayer. Also, I serve in outreach because for me it is where I feel most alive and feel where God is working through me. While I still long for Haiti and the days of tap tap and moto rides, lots of laughter with the kids, and pizza on Fridays... I don't just sit here awaiting until I can go again. I stay active in serving and loving on those in my current end of the earth and I share my stories in hopes that it will inspire, impact or cause the Spirit to move in someone else's life through service or missions.
Good luck to you as you serve or search for where God would lead you next. Pray for me as I do the same!
We all go through Holy Suffering as God teaches us, grows us, stretches us, and heals us. But we suffer through it all for the GREATER good and cause and for our GREATER GOD!!!

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." -Acts 1:8

Letting Go of Hope and Titles

Letting Go of Hope and Titles...

Now before you start to freak out, I am not hopeless or depressed or putting my final manifesto here on my blog/Facebook...

As I've mentioned in the past few posts, I see a Christian therapist to help me with life stuff. It's a really amazing and beautiful outlet and I highly recommend it. It helps me process stress, tough life decisions and helps me call upon my relationship with Jesus to overcome deep fears and abuse from my childhood and upbringing.

These posts usually come as a means to help me to continue to grow and reflect and maybe even in hopes that it helps you reading this.

This week, I sat in the chair balling my eyes out yet again. I've been questioning the term hope over a few of the sessions. Hope to me has always been a word of expectancy, of joy, or the future. Something to put weight in. All those things, the word hope greatly resembles our relationship with Christ but also our "hope" and desires for the future.

One of my biggest "hopes"  is my relationship to improve with my parents/family. I hope they will discover a deep relationship with the Heavenly Father that I desire to know intimately. I hope that they will change. I hope that we will have a better relationship, and I hope that they will learn to love me in the ways that my heart and soul cries for. A few weeks ago, in one of my sessions I began to realize that the hope I had for my father to change was not realistic. That the track record proved to show, the same cycles keep happening. The only change is me and how I react. How do I chose to let things effect me and how to I want to improve?
I sat in the chair describing yet another interaction with my father. Sometimes banter can be fun and witty, but banter with my father and family is unhealthy because it leaves me angry, frustrated, or broken. The banter and what we consider conversation is all I have in relationship with them. In reality as I sat there crying and praying and thinking through things with my therapist and came to realize I don't honestly have much in common with my family. I continue to banter and to accept the "titles" I've been given because it's the only hope that I have. It's the last string of connection to them. That the silence and lack of communication is so deafening to me that I would rather just sit there and argue or go back and forth. In reality the back in forth is so unhealthy and hurtful to me, but I was willing to hold onto the pain in order to feel any sense of relationship and love from them. They've given me titles that I don't deserve or shouldn't fall into: Adult/Parent, Expert, Confidant, Christian, and Judge.

I have had to be the adult and/or parent in relationship with them. Offering the advise that I would give my children sometime. Their behavior is so childish at times, that I have to be the adult voice in a lot of conversation. My parents look to me as an expert in different things and expect me to teach them, show them, and consult them for their own gain. I resent this title because it's my knowledge is often tied together with judgment for right verses wrong and I refuse to offer knowledge on something that I don't see having a good ending or that I don't believe in. Also I am breaking the title of secret keeper. As I work through therapy and open up, I am breaking the lies, secrets, and things that I have held onto for years. It is not  for my mom or dad to share aspects of their relationship with me. Lastly my Christianity has caused me to be have this voice of higher moral authority, and to feel self-righteous. My views of on God, life and the Bible, often cause me to become condemning and judgmental because their actions and words don't match up what I see and know to be true. This is just a summary of these titles for me. But my desire is that I would break the chains of these titles and take on new titles of: Follower, Daughter of the King, Servant, Loved, Cherished, and Faithful.

There is no such thing as forgiveness with no cost. The cost of healing and forgiveness is releasing that hope from my parents and shifting it to my Creator and trusting. All forgiveness requires someone to pay and I have to pay by the sacrifice of relationship with them and pay in the giving up of hope in them. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it just means I am desiring to rid the bitterness, frustrations, and anger and not expecting too much but trusting in God's mighty power to break every chain.

My prayer is that I would break every chain and title because I know that there is power in the name of Jesus...

I pray to just continue to grow in my relationship with God and find closure with those titles and with my family. That I would be okay with the silence, that I would learn to step away from unnecessary conversations. I pray to release the hope and expectancy I desire for and from my family, and just hope in Christ. That I would hope in the work that He is doing in me.

"For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. " -Psalm 71:5

He has a purpose and fulfillment for me. He can HOPE in me. And I pray I fulfill that hope.

My last request is that the Lord help me to protect my heart amidst this process.

The Little Boy in the Distance

As I mentioned previously, last week during my therapy session was emotionally rough as I poured my heart out and cried out in anger and bitterness and disappointment. But Jesus met me there and there was just peace that just washed over. I knew that the healing was just beginning and the battle was not yet over, but there was such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and a peace that rested onto my shoulders.

This week, I told my therapist about an interaction that I had with my father just two days after last week's session. He interrupted me, talked at me and just didn't want to hear what I had to say. His "conversation" quickly escalated and angry words spewed out, his tone and voice got loud. I stayed calm, I didn't fight or argue, I stayed calm and stood my ground. These interactions are so exhausting and they are straining what we have left of a relationship. As the talk ended, I exited the house and headed to my girl's bible study.

I praise God that I am surrounded by great women and best friends who continually lift me up and prayer and provide comfort.

This week in therapy, we had the same exercise. I closed my eyes and relived the situation. I felt a peace wash over as I talked and relized the incident. We then invited Jesus into the room and prayed for Him to carry the burdens of disappointment. We prayed for him to reveal any images, sounds, smells, or anything. I felt His Presence again, sitting next to me, grasping my fingers and felt the strength of His love. I felt a deep sense of comfort. Then it was like a the sky was painted with dark beautiful colors. There were so many images and things going on, but in the distance I could see a wee little boy. I believe the vision of a boy under a tree was a representation of my dad. He is a little boy, craving for attention and craving to be heard and seen. Quite like the little girl that is deep within me, that is just kicking and screaming for her daddy to love her. I realized that as the little girl grows, she becomes aware of the reality that she has to be an adult.

We prayed for peace, and healing, and forgiveness and to find the strength to continue to walk on this journey. I prayed for God to continue to reveal things to me this week.

She posed a question for me to reflect on this week:

What am I willing to let go of?

I know that I need to mourn the loss of my expectations for my relationship with him. I need to die to my expectations. I am learning that forgiveness is dying to the threshold and stepping int what God has for me.

I have to die to the expectation that he will ever be honest, die to the idea that he can change.

I have to remember that God was and is the perfect Father and He even has children that rebel.

Please pray for me as I discover what I need to die to? What things I need to let go of?

Lord, I pray that my identity is not found in my earthly family. I am thankful for my loving church family. I pray that my identity is found in you. I pray that I realize that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, Jesus already did that and I don't have to hold it all together. It is not my responsibility- Jesus can bare that burden.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

Joy in the Journey

There is joy in the journey, but there is also pain.

Last week's post and therapy session was extremely overwhelming, but I know that God is moving and working in my heart and in my life. As I work through the pain, I can begin to put joy on. I can begin to see the bigger pictures and find joy in the things God reveals. He is continuing to heal my broken, shattered, and maimed heart.

Last Tuesday morning, as I was reading through devotionals I was strucken with God's love and faithfulness.

I read the text below and was so thankful and overwhelmed for the little and big ways that God encourages me...


I Will Heal Your Heart

My Princess,

Don't get discouraged, My beloved; pain is a part of life. But I promise you that I will turn every tear you've cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a divine purpose.

Don't try to hide your hurts from Me. I know everything about you. You are Mine, My beloved! I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again. I, too, have felt great pain, rejection, and anger. But we can go through every trial together. Hand in hand I will lead you back to My place of peace and joy after the storm. The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed.

I promise you, My Princess, that when you go through deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you.When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned.

Love,

Your King and your Healer

"BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS! DO NOT BE AFRAID OF THEM! THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL GO AHEAD OF YOU. HE WILL NEITHER FAIL YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU."
    ~DEUTERONOMY 31:6~

Be strong and courageous.... we will get through this my sweet child. He continues to support and love me and hold me in His arms to comfort me.  That verse has been a stronghold reminder of God's faithfulness for the past year now and I am so blessed that He continues to speak through it.

Lord- thank you for your blessings. Lord, may you hold my hand in the process and bring my to wholeness again and may your continue to remove the sting of pain, bitterness, and anger.

Amen.