Awaken

Last week I found myself posting at 2am after I got home...

This time, I found myself wide awake at 2am. 
I went to bed around 10:45pm and found myself waking up to the buzz of my cell phone which is weird because that has never happen before. 

There was a text that I was awaiting before bed, but it wasn't sent recently. I read it and decided to go back to bed.

However before I could find myself laying my head back on the pillow, I began to pray.

I once heard that maybe sometimes we are awakened in the middle of the night is because that is the only time that God can get us still enough to listen or to be with us. 

I began to pray about the text I had received, some things going on in my life...

Right as I began to close my eyes- I felt Psalm 41:10 flash across my mind. 
With all of my amazing God moments as of late, I couldn't ignore it. 

My instinct said, just jump to Psalm 46:10... "Be Still and Know that I AM GOD"... but I already knew that and 41 stood out so clearly in my mind. 

So I got out of bed and walked over to my bookshelf- realizing my Bible was in my car and it was far to cold and I was home alone in our new house... I found my books on Psalms and Proverbs and opened it up...

Psalm 41

How blessed is he who considers the ^[a]helpless;
The Lord will deliver him in a day of ^[b]trouble.
² The Lord will protect him and keep him alive,
And he shall ^[c]be called blessed upon the earth;
And do not give him over to the desire of his enemies.
³ The Lord will sustain him upon his sickbed;
In his illness, You ^[d]restore him to health.

⁴ As for me, I said, “O Lord, be gracious to me;
Heal my soul, for I have sinned against You.”
⁵ My enemies speak evil against me,
“When will he die, and his name perish?”
⁶ And ^[e]when he comes to see me, he speaks ^[f]falsehood;
His heart gathers wickedness to itself;
When he goes outside, he tells it.
⁷ All who hate me whisper together against me;
Against me they devise my hurt, saying,
⁸ “A wicked thing is poured out ^[g]upon him,
That when he lies down, he will not rise up again.”
⁹ Even my close friend in whom I trusted,
Who ate my bread,
Has lifted up his heel against me.

¹⁰ But You, O Lord, be gracious to me and raise me up,
That I may repay them.
¹¹ By this I know that You are pleased with me,
Because my enemy does not shout in triumph over me.
¹² As for me, You uphold me in my integrity,
And You set me in Your presence forever.

¹³ Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel,
From everlasting to everlasting.
Amen and Amen.

As I read through the whole Psalm, nothing really stood out, until I came to verse 11 that was already marked and underlined in my book.

I began to tear up... felt God really speaking to me and telling me He was pleased with me. I began to tear up and pray. 

As I prayed, I decided to turn on one of the worship songs that has really been affecting me... 

Ocenas by Hillsong United

First this set of lyrics hit me:

"And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"

I began to feel as if I was surrounded by waves (like Peter) and I could barely see... waves crashed against my body and ears and were throwing me around but my eyes were focused on God during this time. Despite the moving of the ocean, I was still able to keep my eyes above the waters to feel I had focus...

The lyrics "For I am Yours... and You are mine"... I began to just weep. God was calling me His and was telling me that He was pleased with me. 

I began reflecting on the verse... "You uphold me in my integrity and you set me in Your presence forever." God was going to uphold me...

My intergrity, motives and intentions were pure... I am going to pursue God's call.

After a few months of prayer I have decided to pursue vocational ministry... all of which came with leaving my job in June when I leave for Haiti...

My parents have not been fond of this idea- but they are happy to have me out of a church in Los Angeles soon...

They have these hopes and dreams for me to be this successful and rich business woman- because I have a Masters degree. But this has been my struggle and conflict as of late.

I am a hard working and determined and organized woman... of course, I finished my degree in a year and had these ideas of expectations that my parent's wanted for me... but I have realized that God has called me to something far greater...

I personally have come to terms with the fact that I am not called to live the life of monetary success... success to be me is being within God's will. 

I think when the people that are suppose to love and support you the most are constantly at war with what God is telling you and where He is leading you... there can't help but be an inner turmoil. 

It breaks my heart to not live up to their expectations, to feel as a disappointment to some extent...

But you know what...

God is pleased with me. I can't help be more confident than ever that I am headed in the right direction. I have spent the past year learning and growing and being stretched... I have learned and discovered so much about myself. 

I met with a career counselor yesterday... and old adviser from college and grad school. I told him my personality types and strengths and he began typing away at his phone while were at lunch... he began describing me and describing things that I enjoyed and then began describing career options and direction... he said I was headed in the right direction... I almost wanted to weep while at lunch with him.

I felt like someone trusted in me- I felt as though God was speaking through His kind words... as through I was yet again getting confirmation to help me to stand strong and to continue holding onto my faith...

The other lyrics that have rung true over the past month took an even deeper meaning as well:

"So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

Lord, I am calling upon your name.. as I feel surrounded by waves.

My soul longs for you, Oh Lord... I find rest and strength in your embrace...

I am Yours... in whom You are well pleased.

You have led me to these waters that now surround me... my faith has following you out of LA, out of my job, and now embarking upon Haiti... and is following you as You call me into minsitry.

I could never have imagined leaving my job or going back to Haiti this summer, but you have called me... much farther than my feet could ever wander without your love, faith in me, and strength that You provide.

I am in the presence of you... You are mine and I am Yours.

Once the tears settled and I prayed out loud, my heart felt more at ease.

Then this morning's devotional letter was perfect for what I had experienced and how I was feeling:

Do Not Fear

My Princess,

Are you bound up in darkness and fear? Come to Me and tell Me what you're afraid of. Is it the future? Your health? Your circumstances? Your finances? Your security? Don't you know that I am Creator and King of all? I own all the resources in the universe. Nothing is beyond My knowledge or My power.

Remember that I am your God and Salvation. I will never give you more than you can handle. Ask Me about anything with faith and obey what I tell you to do, and you will feel your fear vanish. I am the Lord your God, and I delight in caring for you, My child. So do not fear, My princess. I am always near.

Love,

Your King and your Fearless Leader

"The LORD is my light and my salvation-so why should I be afraid? The LORD protects me from danger-so why should I tremble?"
    ~Psalm 27:1~

Amen!!!