The Little Boy in the Distance

As I mentioned previously, last week during my therapy session was emotionally rough as I poured my heart out and cried out in anger and bitterness and disappointment. But Jesus met me there and there was just peace that just washed over. I knew that the healing was just beginning and the battle was not yet over, but there was such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and a peace that rested onto my shoulders.

This week, I told my therapist about an interaction that I had with my father just two days after last week's session. He interrupted me, talked at me and just didn't want to hear what I had to say. His "conversation" quickly escalated and angry words spewed out, his tone and voice got loud. I stayed calm, I didn't fight or argue, I stayed calm and stood my ground. These interactions are so exhausting and they are straining what we have left of a relationship. As the talk ended, I exited the house and headed to my girl's bible study.

I praise God that I am surrounded by great women and best friends who continually lift me up and prayer and provide comfort.

This week in therapy, we had the same exercise. I closed my eyes and relived the situation. I felt a peace wash over as I talked and relized the incident. We then invited Jesus into the room and prayed for Him to carry the burdens of disappointment. We prayed for him to reveal any images, sounds, smells, or anything. I felt His Presence again, sitting next to me, grasping my fingers and felt the strength of His love. I felt a deep sense of comfort. Then it was like a the sky was painted with dark beautiful colors. There were so many images and things going on, but in the distance I could see a wee little boy. I believe the vision of a boy under a tree was a representation of my dad. He is a little boy, craving for attention and craving to be heard and seen. Quite like the little girl that is deep within me, that is just kicking and screaming for her daddy to love her. I realized that as the little girl grows, she becomes aware of the reality that she has to be an adult.

We prayed for peace, and healing, and forgiveness and to find the strength to continue to walk on this journey. I prayed for God to continue to reveal things to me this week.

She posed a question for me to reflect on this week:

What am I willing to let go of?

I know that I need to mourn the loss of my expectations for my relationship with him. I need to die to my expectations. I am learning that forgiveness is dying to the threshold and stepping int what God has for me.

I have to die to the expectation that he will ever be honest, die to the idea that he can change.

I have to remember that God was and is the perfect Father and He even has children that rebel.

Please pray for me as I discover what I need to die to? What things I need to let go of?

Lord, I pray that my identity is not found in my earthly family. I am thankful for my loving church family. I pray that my identity is found in you. I pray that I realize that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, Jesus already did that and I don't have to hold it all together. It is not my responsibility- Jesus can bare that burden.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

Joy in the Journey

There is joy in the journey, but there is also pain.

Last week's post and therapy session was extremely overwhelming, but I know that God is moving and working in my heart and in my life. As I work through the pain, I can begin to put joy on. I can begin to see the bigger pictures and find joy in the things God reveals. He is continuing to heal my broken, shattered, and maimed heart.

Last Tuesday morning, as I was reading through devotionals I was strucken with God's love and faithfulness.

I read the text below and was so thankful and overwhelmed for the little and big ways that God encourages me...


I Will Heal Your Heart

My Princess,

Don't get discouraged, My beloved; pain is a part of life. But I promise you that I will turn every tear you've cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a divine purpose.

Don't try to hide your hurts from Me. I know everything about you. You are Mine, My beloved! I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again. I, too, have felt great pain, rejection, and anger. But we can go through every trial together. Hand in hand I will lead you back to My place of peace and joy after the storm. The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed.

I promise you, My Princess, that when you go through deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you.When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned.

Love,

Your King and your Healer

"BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS! DO NOT BE AFRAID OF THEM! THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL GO AHEAD OF YOU. HE WILL NEITHER FAIL YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU."
    ~DEUTERONOMY 31:6~

Be strong and courageous.... we will get through this my sweet child. He continues to support and love me and hold me in His arms to comfort me.  That verse has been a stronghold reminder of God's faithfulness for the past year now and I am so blessed that He continues to speak through it.

Lord- thank you for your blessings. Lord, may you hold my hand in the process and bring my to wholeness again and may your continue to remove the sting of pain, bitterness, and anger.

Amen.