A Glimpse of Mi Vida...

It started with a missions trip to Camden, where my life and perspective were changed and where this blog began. Life has been a roller coaster filled with its ups and downs and I'm excited for the adventure and discovering what God has in store, even though I really dislike roller coasters... I am a Lady in Waiting...

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

A Thanksgiving Plea

A Thanksgiving Plea

For those of you out there reading this and that know me very well, know that Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because of my family. I write this currently with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
For years, I spent my mornings serving the homeless and serving at church and each year I would give my family my schedule and each year they would eat without me. The worst was the year that by the time I got home, they ate all of the leftovers. It's pretty sad.

Right now, my dad is lecturing my mom about not jumping into conversations to tell him to stop screaming and yelling at me. I can, not so quietly, hear him say that they never see me because I come and go. Yet he has not come to me to apologize or say anything.

To be honest, the way I cope with not being verbally and emotionally attacked is to not be home. I work a corporate job from 6am to at least 3pm every day and then my afternoons are filled with physical therapy, church, bible studies and just anything I can do to not be around my dad.

We just got in a fight. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

I was on a call earlier and he came into my room to throw mail on my bed, as the tvs in all rooms were loudly on and I was intently trying to listen to the person on the other line, I put one finger up as if to say... ssh one minute. Although no actual words came from my mouth as he swung the door open to enter.
Apparently that set him off and about ten minutes later he moved closer and closer, screaming and yelling more and more loudly. I am rude, seems to be the constant theme. When I ask him to calm down or lower his voice, it only increases the volume. As I try to apologize or explain that he misunderstood my gesture, more mud gets slung my way. I don't know that he can honestly hear anything I have to say.

Years of this type of explosive abuse... the "memories" come rushing back as I try to stay calm and not react. My voice often increases to match his and the cycle continues. I've overcome a lot of pain, hurt, and abuse this year and don't often engage him. But he has started drinking and it only adds lighter fluid to the resentful fire burning within his heart towards me.

This is the second interaction in less than two weeks and I am now taking this as God's slight pull to get out and move to a safe place.
Sometimes I think God can rattle our cages as a way for us to wake up, not that I have done anything wrong but He wants me to wake up to other possibilities.
The reason I live at home, as a 27 year old woman is that I went to a very expensive Christian school and with the exception of paying rent, I pay all my own bills. I am currently doing was Dave Ramsey likes to call snowballing.

So I ask that you pray for me, first and foremost.

Pray that I can find a new living situation swiftly and quickly.
I have a very limited amount of resources and not many financial options.

I make a great roommate. I love Jesus. Am pleasant to be around and can often make you laugh. I love to cook and am told I am a great baker. I can afford some rent, which I'd love to discuss if you have options.
My goal is to be honestly be out by Christmas. I have knee surgery scheduled the day after Christmas and this is not a healthy environment to find any sort of healing or a place where I can recover in a healthy and safe environment. Nor a place where helping me won't be held over my head down the road.

Pray for Satan to stop using my dad as his mouthpiece to whisper, scream, and yell lies at me.
I pray my parent's find Jesus and develop a relationship with Him. I pray to hold on the truths of Chris, that I am His and that

I pray to survive thru lunch with my parents. If I can even manage to make it thru that, I already have dinner with another family calling my name. But I don't want to entirely not be with my parents, deep down I'm just a little girl desiring for her parents to love.

Pray that the tears happen less and less and that my heart, mind, and soul become stronger and stronger as I continue to cling to God.

I pray to remember how Sovereign God is thru this all.

I am thankful for the ability to write and I am thankful for those of you reading this right now and those of you that I already know are praying and will hold my hand thru this process.

If you would like to offer encouragement, resources, or anything, please email me at:

Sunday, November 16, 2014

A Paper Cut

A Paper Cut

Have you ever gotten a paper cut?
I am sure we all have at one point.

You're sitting reading, or flipping through pages of a magazine.
At first you think you're fine, and then it begins to sting and then eventually it hurts more as you realize the depth of the cut. Then the cut becomes an annoyance more than anything.

That pain is how I would describe most interactions with my dad.
I try to avoid him like a paper cut. No one wants one. I am not saying I don't want a dad, but the interactions with my dad often start like a paper cut.

The interaction begins and you think you're fine, then it begins to string and eventually hurt and then you end up just feeling extremely annoyed.

Today is my parent's 29th anniversary.
I woke up and wished them a happy anniversary. It was the first time I'd seen them together in the same room all week. I have a very busy and hectic schedule and my mom goes to bed earlier, while my dad stays up late on his laptop doing "business marketing". So I often don't see them, they do their own thing in the evenings. Sometimes I can catch them in a same room for an hour or so, but for the most part there is little social interaction or quality time spent together.
Most conversations with my parents, primarily my dad, quickly spin out of control and my dad raises his voice and changes his tone. The minute I tell him to stop, it's like a volcano explosion and I typically retreat.

This morning after wishing them a happy anniversary, I asked them about a holiday party I was considering throwing.

Later that afternoon, my mom's whole family and my parents got together for lunch. The conversation quickly became very pointed at me from my dad.
The conversation started talking about my brother possibly being deployed again this year and when my dad sounded surprised that I knew, he began to raise his voice/tone at me. He was there when my mom talked to me earlier this week.
Half of the time I don't remember how the conversation escalates because I'm so busy trying to duck and cover from the mudslinging a majority of the time. My defense mechanism is to retreat because there is less damage and shrapnel verses running towards the front lines to fight.
It ended with him calling me rude for bringing up the holiday party this morning instead of gushing over their anniversary and marriage.
While I think that my parents love each other, they essentially live separate lives emotionally from each other. Seeking fulfillment in mind-numbing tv, gambling, alcohol, drugs, and the internet... amongst other things I'm sure. We have been socially and emotionally disengaged from each other for years.
My dad continues to only have conversations with me regarding business and marketing. Although I continue to tell him I don't want to talk regarding those things.
I don't know which is worse: to listen and attempt not to roll my eyes or, to distance myself to avoid the conversations and interactions all together?
My dad has this dream of becoming a business and internet marketer, but he has little experience and the process is time consuming. He has a full-time job. These attempts are to get out of debt, when in reality he pays into people and programs to make him successful but he never has enough money to really get something off the ground and so it fails. Again and again, he gives away money.

Growing up my dad used to tell me: "you must believe in something, or you'll fall for anything, and eventually become nothing." The hard thing is that, he doesn't believe in God in the way that he should. He falls for business ploys and schemes to help him achieve this unrealistic ideal of the American Dream. Every single month there is something new that he is believing in and when it fails him, he blames me or my mom for not supporting him. It's a vicious cycle.

I went through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and am dealing with my own student loans and debt. I am a firm believer in not living or spending beyond your means. Yet my dad continues to be dishonest with his finances and to spend money here and there and everywhere. It adds up.

I am often called the unsupportive  and selfish daughter. The one who went to college who won't support her father. My dad asked me if I had $2500 today at lunch. To which I advised no. Last month he asked if I had $10,000 he could have or borrow. I wouldn't be living at home if I had that kind of money stored up.

I live pay check to pay check attempting to snowball my debt within the next year with my car payments and credit cards and within 5-7 years with my student loans. Apparently I am not a good daughter because I won't "lend" him money or because I went to college and am not stable enough to help him. His partial investment in my education isn't paying out for him and the blame gets placed on me. I learned a lot of what got me where I am financially is because my parents didn't teach me good financial skills, but also because my parents (with the exception of some student loans) don't provide for me like most people my age or that I know in my community. I anticipate little to no financial help with the time comes for me to get married.

The thing that makes this so hard, is that I have overcome leaps and bounds of hurt and pain from the verbal and emotional abuse that I experienced as a child. You can read about those discoveries and healing in other blog posts of mine.
But any time spent with my dad when I am not fully healed is like getting another paper cut or getting a band-aid quickly ripped off.

It's unfortunate.
But I have to remember... paper cuts happen. And they eventually heal and the string stops hurting.

I pray that I can eventually avoid all paper cuts because I have healed so much and been restored that God's grace and compassion for my father is like healing super powers and the paper cuts eventually don't hurt and don't happen.

I ask that you pray for my heart to continue mending. For God to continue to allowing me healthy distance until I can over grace and compassion only. I pray that my dad can come to know the loving Father I know and that he can find healing and forgiveness in the arms of Our Savior.

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home

One year ago... November 15th...

One year ago today, I boarded a flight from Haiti and returned back to the States.
I had just finished living in Haiti as a missionary for almost three months.
It is so crazy to think back on how times flies, to think back on all that God has done in the past year.
I cannot believe that we are nearing the end of November and almost the year.
I don't want to jump into another year in review, like I did last year, just yet... I have about five weeks before I can review 2014.

However, I do want to recall the things I have learned in my relationship with God and the things I learned while living in Haiti and how they are still affecting me today.

I have learned the importance of processing my trip and the importance to continue serving, not just longing to be back in a place that was my home sweet home. I call it the holy suffering.

I think the greatest thing I have learned is home is where I am. And Jesus is within my heart, no matter where I am. When I went to Haiti the third time (for three months), I went into my move thinking that I was going to be transformed and grow deeper in my relationship with God because I was in Haiti. While I did grow deeper in my relationship with God, I grew because I had to intently seek relationship with Him. It didn't just fall into my lap because I was in a third-world country. I think in previous trips, we seek God out because that is what we are suppose to do. Our days are filled with serving because that is what it organized for us to experience the most of the trip and of the country. We do devotionals and pray every morning because we are seeking to serve God and we have full schedule of service activities planned. Living in Haiti as a missionary was different. It was life, it wasn't a mission trip entirely. I had to develop me own routine in Haiti and in my life/relationship with God. It wasn't done for me, but is was the perfect example and starting point for what I would need in my life returning home to the states.

Almost three times a week I went running with my roommates in Haiti and it was beautiful because not only was I trying to stay fit but it allowed me to clear my head each morning as I watched the sunrise. I was able to pray over the dilapidated homes, to listen to worship music, to pray for the kids that chased us down the street and to join in fellowship/community with my roomies. As we walked back up the hill to the mission from the street we ran, I would pray for the day but then I would grab some water, a cup of Haitian coffee and my journal and bible. I would put on a my worship play list and just pray over all the things God was doing in my life and in my heart during my time in Haiti. I met with Jesus almost every morning and it was so beautiful because I can look back and read through that journal and see all that God taught me. It also created an example to my roommates and to the Haitian staff and kids who saw me. I was simply meeting with my Father, my King, my sweet Prince, and my Savior.

When I left Haiti, one of my roommates left me an encouraging note. She thanked me for my friendship, for the example I set for her as a Proverbs 31 woman. It was so humbling. We often spent evenings, when we could manage to find an internet connection and would talk about weddings and watch proposal videos online. It was totally cheesy. We often joked about what it meant to be a Proverbs 31 woman and about what we desired for marriage and what life would be life once we were married. The conversation was often divided. I cannot wait to share my learning and life experiences with my husband. It was so humbling to be considered a P31 woman. I pray that I can continue to become a P31 woman and to be an example to other women in the way that I live my life.

Lastly, my time in Haiti allowed me to find some sort of closure. The first two times I went to Haiti, my heart ached to return to Haiti and to live the simple life. During my time of living life and being a missionary, it allowed me to be at peace with returning to the States. God had granted my one wish to be a short-term missionary for more than a month... but for three months. He had fulfilled a deep desire and longing for my life, but He also allowed me to see that I needed a lot of healing and processing at home to take place. As you can read in blogs from this year, you will see that God had done so much healing in the past year that I have been home. I have learned that home is wherever I am and God is with me wherever that is. My time in Haiti also gave me the opportunity to learn about love, to learn how God could stretch my heart and love more and more each day. It also created a great routine and foundation to my relationship with God and knowing how to live the simplistic life. I have currently been Facebook and Instagram free for the past two months as I am on a social media fast for God's direction and for healing. I have cut out tv during the week and have learned so much as I have dug deeper and deeper into God's word as I have been co-leading a new believer's bible study. Also God has even opened up my heart to the possibility of traveling on another mission trip that is not Haiti.

Please be praying for me as I continue to serve in my home sweet home.
Pray that I continue to delve into God's word and for direction, healing, and rejoicing in the simple pleasures of life. Pray for my heart to be in tune with God's will so I can continue to find rest in Him and hear His still small voice. Amen.

Sunday, November 2, 2014



I am His Beloved.
Oh, how often I forget that? So often.
Today as I was shopping at a holiday boutique, I came across the most beautiful bracelet (You can purchase your own or personalize one here). 

Stamped across it was the simple word that God has been speaking to me for the past year... 

It was meant to be. I call this a little shopping miracle, when God speaks through something and reminds me of His love. Like finding the perfect gift for someone or something that you had prayed about a price point in your head. Or that the item reminds you of the person or of God's goodness or both.
Looking back on my time in Haiti, I am continually reminded that I am His Beloved. I preached on this in Haiti, read my previous entry.

I have struggled with the feeling of acceptance my whole life. The desire to fit in within social groups, but mostly within my own family. I have overcome a lot of hurt, pain, and abuse this year and I am continually reminded that I am God's Precious Child. He calls me His Beloved.
I think one of our greatest human desires is to be known, to love and be loved.
As I was away with a group of women a few weeks ago, I was excited to be surrounded by many other believers and even women within my age range. I wanted to be accepted and included by those I knew, but God had other plans. He wanted me to love and spend time with those I didn't know. He brought me out of my comfort zone. He introduced me to new people and He reminded me, that I am His. The hurt and the pain of the past desire for acceptance was quickly squashed as I prayed and chose to put the work that God was doing first ahead of my own insecurities or own desires to be included.

It wasn't about the approval and acceptance of others but about God... an old devotional hit home:
My Warrior,
Today, I am asking you to search your heart and ask this question: Whom do you seek for approval? Are you living your life for the approval and praise of people, or of Me? I want to save you from exhausting yourself by performing for a world that does not want to praise you.I designed you to desire Me and Me alone. When you choose to live for Me, you will never again be thirsty for attention, because you will be hydrated in My love and adoration for you. Now let me ask you again, My beloved child: Whom do you seek?

Love,Your King, who seeks after you

A friend shared with me and reminded me of Ephesians 1: 3-6, " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved."

She dated 10/25 and wrote "God chose you. He adopted you. You are accepted, wanted and loved."I wrote, "You are His Beloved" above that. That is the most beautiful title that we could be called and given by our sacred Father.

I pray for anyone reading this, that feels unloved, unworthy, or discouraged. I pray that you would also know that you are His Beloved. That He love and cherishes you so deeply.

~Galatians 1:10~
"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world."

~Jeremiah 1:5~
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men. I would not be a servant of Christ."

My Beloved Child,
I want you to experience the benefits and blessings of being mine. I want you to know the power of grace that only I can give you. You won't discover who I really am in your own strength. You can conquer and accomplish much on your own but you will never know the joy of everlasting work until you have been weak. It is in your weakest moment that my strength will become your strength and that my Holy Spirit that lives inside of you will rise up and you will know that I am with you always. If you will embrace your weaknesses and grabbed hold of all I am you will become all you desire to be. Now is the time to let me do great things in you and through you!
Your Strong and Mighty God

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

I pray you would remember that you are His Beloved.

Or if there is another word or phrase that He is speaking to you, that you would be reminded of that in the coming hours, days, and weeks.