The Four F Words At The Cross

The Four F Words At the Cross

There He hung upon the Cross, nailed there, stretched out and in pain and he whispered these four “f-words”.

Forgiveness

“And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” –Luke 23:24

1) In the midst of pain and suffering, Jesus didn’t point towards someone else in blame. He asked for forgiveness.

How often do we point to someone else in forgiveness and love. Growing up, as the eldest, I remember whenever I got in trouble that I would immediately find a reason to point things back to my younger brother. If it was, “Jennifer why didn’t you clean you room”… it was, well… John (my brother) did this, this, and that. Twenty years later and I continue to still point towards my brother and he isn’t living on this same continent currently. Last week I showed my dad my two new Christian tattoos and he was surprised and gave me a slight lecture. What did I do? Immediately throw my brother under the bus and tell my dad how the tattoo my brother wants to get is so much worse. Sad but true. My parents always told me that for every finger that I point, that there were three more pointing back at me. Yet amidst pressure, pain and extreme circumstances, Christ points towards others in forgiveness rather than in blame.

He was suffering and thought outwardly of others in forgiveness. This is so not our generation; we tend to be the generation of me and I. As He bleeds out, lashing wounds with clotted blood from our mistakes, betrayal and dishonesty, He wants us forgiven by God. I pray I can learn to offer forgiveness to others amidst extreme pain and sorrow. I pray I can take responsibility and stop placing blame.

Family

“When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” -John 19:26-27

2) Jesus had Family on His mind before He left us. He calls us to be brothers and sisters, but also to take care of one another. It doesn’t matter what your family is like. You might be thinking, “well, you don’t know my family.” Well, it doesn’t matter. Christ died so that we can offer grace and kindness to all people, including our family.

It reminds me of the newest song by NeedToBreathe: “Brother, let me be your shelter, never leave you all alone. I can be the one you call. Brother let me be your fortress .”

His grace is so wide that His love wasn’t just for the orphan or for the widow, but for family. When I was going through therapy I came to the realized that I was praising my Father, while forsaking and not offering love and grace to my own earthly family, despite the hurt, pain, and past. God’s grace is so sufficient that if it can accept me, then certainly it can help me to find ways to show my family love and grace.

Forsaken

“And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" –Mark 15:34

3) Jesus saw betrayal at the Cross, not simply by the Jews but He was forsaken by His own Father. He was abandon by His own Father for you and for me. God gave up His one and only Son for me and for my betterment. Jesus was fully human, as much as He was God. He experienced the physical and emotional pain of being rejected, abandoned… He felt forsaken. That feeling of abandonment hits home for me because for so many years I felt forsaken by my family as I was the odd person out, as I was twas emotionally and verbally abused. I was so disconnected from my family, especially as I clung to my relationship with God. The closer I grew to God, the further I grew to away from my family as I tried to align my life with God’s will. However, through me clinging to God and moving further from my family it allowed me to offer grace and kindness like never before.

Also think of that sacrificial love (hesed: loving-kindness in Hebrew) that was displayed from God’s perspective. A few weeks ago I went to a baby’s funeral whom had moved onto life with Jesus after such a short time on this Earth. I am not yet a mother, but I felt the depth of loss of the child, but even more so for my friends as they grieved. I have waited so long to be married, and then hope to eventually children… the thought of losing my only child pains my heart deeply. That child, no matter how old is still half of you. There is beauty in the birth of child and then such sorrow and yet peace as they reunite with God as His forever child.

It reminds me that Christ went through anything and everything that I could ever experience. I believe it is our human and sinful nature that at some point we fill loneliness. Those moments when we are sitting along in a room, after a breakup or in the moments where we can barely find the energy to get ourselves off the floor, He had to lift His weary head up to heaven and see that His Father forsake Him. He experience true loneliness and abandonment.

Finished

“When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” –John 19:30

4) It is Finished.

If it is finished, why are we still fighting like He didn’t complete it? We live life as if what Christ did wasn’t enough. How often do we find ourselves looking for another way to Him or to Christianity? There was only one way to God and that was through His Son.  How funny is our human nature, that we should know that there is only way… yet we are still searching for another way. Let’s say that we even had two ways to God, I am sure we’d ask for a third option. We are restless, yet it is finished.

His Spirit commended to the heavens and three days later He rose again. But although He said it is finished, there is responsibility on our part. We have to accept Christ and ask for His Spirit so that the work will indeed be done and finished through Him. We need to jump in to experience the fountain of Christ’s love and redemption. Even after it is finished, we still need to do our part. We need to surrender our lives, so that His will can be done and His Kingdom come. We cannot rest in Christ, until we submit to His finished work.

We deserve to be guilty, forsaken and abandon, but His grace is sufficient to cover all of our sin.

“It is finished” was the final word to human kind in committing His Spirit back to God but also in redemption for us and for our souls and salvation.

I pray that you reflect on these final words and the ways in which Christ offered His love to us. I pray that even though another Easter has come and gone, that we would keep these words and the things that Jesus did for us. I pray that we remember God’s ultimate love and sacrifice and forgiveness. We are redeemed and we are His beloved.

My New Tattoo: Hesed

The second of my new tattoos is hesed in Hebrew.

I have been spending the past five weeks studying through the book of Ruth with my small group. The book of Ruth is probably my favorite book of the Bible because I studied through it during my college single years (and even my single adulthood). The book embodies so much of the loving relationship between Ruth and God, Ruth and Naomi and then later between Boaz and Ruth.

God uses the word hesed to describe his own character. The type of characteristics that we should embody as His own.
"Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth; who keeps loving kindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin." -Exodus 34:6

Hesed summarizes what God is like: loyal, committed, merciful, enduring, faithful, covenant-keeping love.
The act of hesed is often demonstrated from one person to a more vulnerable party.

The act of a covenant-keeping love is the key theme in the book of Ruth.

Ruth followed Naomi. She gave up everything for her, took on a new faith, and worked to provide for her mother-in-law. After Ruth's husband died, she had not obligation to Naomi. Naomi even urged her to leave, yet Ruth stuck by her side. She offered her a loving kindness unlike any other. She remained loyal to Naomi as she gleaned the fields and provided for her. Hesed requires sacrifice because it is not an emotional love (like I love chocolate cake... or anything chocolate). Hesed is an act of pure deep faithfulness and loyalty.

Hesed best embodies God's love because human commitments and good intentions often fail. However, God is the only one who can say, "I WILL NEVER leave you or forsake you."

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6

As I worked through the study, I loved the way that it introduced the actions of the book as hesed. I knew then that I would get hesed as one of my next tattoos. I just didn't think that it would happen less than three weeks later. 

The greatest example of God's hesed is sacrificing His One and Only Son for our sake, for our benefit and for the fact that as a sinful being that we sometimes cannot help ourselves. 

As I dug deeper into the book of Ruth, it wasn't about this romantic book of fairy tales like its sometimes embodied, but it was about a faithfulness of a loving God. A love with character and commitment.

Thank you Lord, for your loyal love. Thank you for your loving kindness, I pray that these symbols on my arm help me to forever remember that you are faithful. May I remember that you meet my every need, even when I fail to worship you. May I never be fearful of the future, but may I remember your love to pull me through each and every circumstances. May I rest continually in your loving kindness. I pray that I continue to learn how to offer a hesed love to those I encounter. May my future husband love me with hesed. May hesed become so engrained in my character as I strive to serve you, follow you and lead for you. 

Another reason I want to do a foot washing ceremony with my husband on our wedding day because that would be the perfect example of hesed. A humbling, beautiful and outward expression of our love for Christ and our love for each other and our commitment to forever together. 

The Girl with the Two New Tattoos: Come Thou Fount

Come Thou Fount

Most know this as a hymn that they grew up singing, if you grew up in an older church like mine. I have always loved hymns because they hold such depth of peace, love, grace and history of the church.
Come Thou Fount has always been my song- the song that has allowed such peace to wash over me throughout my life especially when it comes to missions and life transitions. God speaks to me through this hymn in so many beautiful ways.

As a young girl in church, during a difficult time the song spoke such volumes to me. As I've gotten older, different parts of this song speak such volumes. During difficult times in my upbringing, this song always helped me to hold on and to cling closer to God.

When I was praying about going on my first ever missions trip, I would be going to Camden, New Jersey for two months. My first time away from home would be living in the poorest city in the US and in the fifth most dangerous city. I was going with APU and had been accepted on a team and had a short period of time to accept the opportunity to go. My first Sunday in church since being accepted on the team, Come Thou Fount was the first hymn we sung. A peace washed over me, Camden is where I was suppose to go.

My time in Camden broke me in the best kind of ways. I broke down walls of self-doubt, it broke down walls of racism and stereotypes and it gave me a heart for children and for missions. It was a truly beautiful. I knew that I needed to return and as I sat in the church with the choir I was, what song did we begin to sing... Come Thou Fount. I knew in that moment I would return to Camden again.

I ended up going back to Camden three times over the course of two years. During my last time back to Camden, I had just lost my job and was leading a short trip to Camden. I was sitting in a hotel room on vacation with my family and channel surfing for something to watch. I turned on this Lifetime movie, and within ten minutes there was a scene of a man being out in nature and he began to sing, Come Thou Fount. I knew in that moment that I was suppose to go back to Camden for a longer term. I fought that decision for about a week or two until God revealed again what I was supposed to be doing with my now free time and freedom.
You can read more about that from an old post.

Right after I interviewed to go on a trip to Peru, I walked into my "new" church and what song was being sung. It calmed all my nerves and I felt a peace. I ended up going to Peru for two weeks then. When I was asked to go to Haiti after leaving my job, it played again.

I was at a benefit and I saw this gorgeous chalkboard sign that read, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Tune my heart to sing thy Grace!". I knew that I wanted to get another tattoo and I saw this and I knew. I didn't win the bid for that beautiful sign that night but I began scouring the internet and found the drawing (to the left) and I knew that the design was met for me. After trying to get several designers to redesign the art for me, the opportunity presented itself last weekend.

Even now, with my newly inked wrist. As work stress rises, I can't help but look down and feel a sense of peace as I read the lyrics. I pray God continues to tune my heart to grace as I deal with difficult work situations and circumstances.

I don't know how else or when the song will continue to speak to me and how peace will wash over me, or how God will continue to use this beautiful hymn to speak to me. But I know that it will.

I do know that I plan to have this song play at my wedding... whether that be during our first communion with my husband or when I wash his feet... maybe even when I walk down the aisle. I cannot wait to share the depth of this song in my life with my future husband.


Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Symbolism of 40

Symbolism of 40

A time period of forty (days, weeks, years) is something of great significance within the Bible. Each time period of forty units is related to testing, probation, or being tried. Each period however, does end with a time or area of blessing.

I have truly been blessed.

Tonight I sat with my therapist for my last session.
Our 40th session to be exact. How symbolic.

There indeed has been much testing over the past 40 or so weeks. As I sat across from my wonderful therapist, I couldn't help feel like it was a graduation day, a great accomplishment. I have met all my goals, felt deeply, have been stretched, cried lots, and healed lots.

I went into therapy not for any addiction or life crisis, but truly just wanting to deal with life and grow. I was shocked as I had met all my goals at week 27 and now finding closure at week 40 after finishing a relationship/marriage series and ready for the next chapter of life. To be told that I am ready for marriage and have learned how to process stress and life and circumstances is so exciting and so humbling.

Life hasn't been easy or difficult, I have had some very low moments in my childhood and adulthood and some amazing joyous moments. Truth of the matter is, I once was a daddy's girl. At some point things change and my relationship with my dad changed. But I couldn't take the deep emotional hurt or verbal abuse. Truthfully, it doesn't matter what his addictions or pains are, it is my baggage that had to be dealt with, sorted through, conquered, and left at the feet of the Cross. Not every day is easy, but each new day is better as I strive to find forgiveness and healing. Through therapy I began to see my dad for who he is, not who I wished he was. I began to see him as a lost, hurting, and broken boy. I began to let go of the titles, pressure, hurts, and bitterness. God has redeemed me and brought a lot of healing and restoration.

God has also rattled me cage and has brought me ready to close one chapter and start the next.

My last post on Thanksgiving had me feeling deeply hurt and emotional and I felt like band-aids were being ripped and scars hadn't healed. I was overwhelmed by the response in emails filled with prayers and encouragement, Thanksgiving offers, and several opportunities to rent rooms.

Through much prayer and after meeting and discussing about 5 different options, God has provided me with the most amazing next chapter to start.

Less than two weeks from today, I will finally be moving out of my parent's house.

I am moving into a home, not just renting a room. Upon meeting with this lovely soon to be roomie, I felt such peace wash over me. Her home is everything that I would even envision for my own home to be like. God spoke to us in such beautiful and peaceful ways of assurance. I am excited for the learning and growth that will happen for us and honestly, I think she's pretty amazing.
Read just an expert of her blog and tell me your heart strings aren't pulled through the ways God is using her in full time ministry.


Continued prayer for re-budgeting and finances (I'll be working extra hard on photo shoots and baking/candy making to earn extra money). Prayer for this life transition and closing of a chapter. Prayer for new friendships and relationships into the new year. Prayer for continued patience and learning. Prayer for understanding from my parents (I told them last weekend).

Thank you for your continued support and love, dear friends and readers.
I am so thankful for the next step in becoming even more strong and courageous.

I will move out the week of Christmas, have knee surgery, spend a few days resting at my parent's house and with G.ma taking care of me and then officially live in the new place before the first of the New Year. Get a few more days, followed by hopefully going back to work.

As I close out week 40 of being tried, I am so excited to see God's continued blessings in the coming year and to continue to be strong and courageous each and every day. So excited for this next chapter and new year... cheers to another 40!!!

A Thanksgiving Plea

A Thanksgiving Plea

For those of you out there reading this and that know me very well, know that Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because of my family. I write this currently with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
For years, I spent my mornings serving the homeless and serving at church and each year I would give my family my schedule and each year they would eat without me. The worst was the year that by the time I got home, they ate all of the leftovers. It's pretty sad.

Right now, my dad is lecturing my mom about not jumping into conversations to tell him to stop screaming and yelling at me. I can, not so quietly, hear him say that they never see me because I come and go. Yet he has not come to me to apologize or say anything.

To be honest, the way I cope with not being verbally and emotionally attacked is to not be home. I work a corporate job from 6am to at least 3pm every day and then my afternoons are filled with physical therapy, church, bible studies and just anything I can do to not be around my dad.

We just got in a fight. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

I was on a call earlier and he came into my room to throw mail on my bed, as the tvs in all rooms were loudly on and I was intently trying to listen to the person on the other line, I put one finger up as if to say... ssh one minute. Although no actual words came from my mouth as he swung the door open to enter.
Apparently that set him off and about ten minutes later he moved closer and closer, screaming and yelling more and more loudly. I am rude, seems to be the constant theme. When I ask him to calm down or lower his voice, it only increases the volume. As I try to apologize or explain that he misunderstood my gesture, more mud gets slung my way. I don't know that he can honestly hear anything I have to say.

Years of this type of explosive abuse... the "memories" come rushing back as I try to stay calm and not react. My voice often increases to match his and the cycle continues. I've overcome a lot of pain, hurt, and abuse this year and don't often engage him. But he has started drinking and it only adds lighter fluid to the resentful fire burning within his heart towards me.

This is the second interaction in less than two weeks and I am now taking this as God's slight pull to get out and move to a safe place.
Sometimes I think God can rattle our cages as a way for us to wake up, not that I have done anything wrong but He wants me to wake up to other possibilities.
The reason I live at home, as a 27 year old woman is that I went to a very expensive Christian school and with the exception of paying rent, I pay all my own bills. I am currently doing was Dave Ramsey likes to call snowballing.

So I ask that you pray for me, first and foremost.

Pray that I can find a new living situation swiftly and quickly.
I have a very limited amount of resources and not many financial options.

I make a great roommate. I love Jesus. Am pleasant to be around and can often make you laugh. I love to cook and am told I am a great baker. I can afford some rent, which I'd love to discuss if you have options.
My goal is to be honestly be out by Christmas. I have knee surgery scheduled the day after Christmas and this is not a healthy environment to find any sort of healing or a place where I can recover in a healthy and safe environment. Nor a place where helping me won't be held over my head down the road.

Pray for Satan to stop using my dad as his mouthpiece to whisper, scream, and yell lies at me.
I pray my parent's find Jesus and develop a relationship with Him. I pray to hold on the truths of Chris, that I am His and that

I pray to survive thru lunch with my parents. If I can even manage to make it thru that, I already have dinner with another family calling my name. But I don't want to entirely not be with my parents, deep down I'm just a little girl desiring for her parents to love.

Pray that the tears happen less and less and that my heart, mind, and soul become stronger and stronger as I continue to cling to God.

I pray to remember how Sovereign God is thru this all.

I am thankful for the ability to write and I am thankful for those of you reading this right now and those of you that I already know are praying and will hold my hand thru this process.

If you would like to offer encouragement, resources, or anything, please email me at:
jennlynichole@gmail.com

A Paper Cut

A Paper Cut

Have you ever gotten a paper cut?
I am sure we all have at one point.

You're sitting reading, or flipping through pages of a magazine.
At first you think you're fine, and then it begins to sting and then eventually it hurts more as you realize the depth of the cut. Then the cut becomes an annoyance more than anything.

That pain is how I would describe most interactions with my dad.
I try to avoid him like a paper cut. No one wants one. I am not saying I don't want a dad, but the interactions with my dad often start like a paper cut.

The interaction begins and you think you're fine, then it begins to string and eventually hurt and then you end up just feeling extremely annoyed.

Today is my parent's 29th anniversary.
I woke up and wished them a happy anniversary. It was the first time I'd seen them together in the same room all week. I have a very busy and hectic schedule and my mom goes to bed earlier, while my dad stays up late on his laptop doing "business marketing". So I often don't see them, they do their own thing in the evenings. Sometimes I can catch them in a same room for an hour or so, but for the most part there is little social interaction or quality time spent together.
Most conversations with my parents, primarily my dad, quickly spin out of control and my dad raises his voice and changes his tone. The minute I tell him to stop, it's like a volcano explosion and I typically retreat.

This morning after wishing them a happy anniversary, I asked them about a holiday party I was considering throwing.

Later that afternoon, my mom's whole family and my parents got together for lunch. The conversation quickly became very pointed at me from my dad.
The conversation started talking about my brother possibly being deployed again this year and when my dad sounded surprised that I knew, he began to raise his voice/tone at me. He was there when my mom talked to me earlier this week.
Half of the time I don't remember how the conversation escalates because I'm so busy trying to duck and cover from the mudslinging a majority of the time. My defense mechanism is to retreat because there is less damage and shrapnel verses running towards the front lines to fight.
It ended with him calling me rude for bringing up the holiday party this morning instead of gushing over their anniversary and marriage.
While I think that my parents love each other, they essentially live separate lives emotionally from each other. Seeking fulfillment in mind-numbing tv, gambling, alcohol, drugs, and the internet... amongst other things I'm sure. We have been socially and emotionally disengaged from each other for years.
My dad continues to only have conversations with me regarding business and marketing. Although I continue to tell him I don't want to talk regarding those things.
I don't know which is worse: to listen and attempt not to roll my eyes or, to distance myself to avoid the conversations and interactions all together?
My dad has this dream of becoming a business and internet marketer, but he has little experience and the process is time consuming. He has a full-time job. These attempts are to get out of debt, when in reality he pays into people and programs to make him successful but he never has enough money to really get something off the ground and so it fails. Again and again, he gives away money.

Growing up my dad used to tell me: "you must believe in something, or you'll fall for anything, and eventually become nothing." The hard thing is that, he doesn't believe in God in the way that he should. He falls for business ploys and schemes to help him achieve this unrealistic ideal of the American Dream. Every single month there is something new that he is believing in and when it fails him, he blames me or my mom for not supporting him. It's a vicious cycle.

I went through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and am dealing with my own student loans and debt. I am a firm believer in not living or spending beyond your means. Yet my dad continues to be dishonest with his finances and to spend money here and there and everywhere. It adds up.

I am often called the unsupportive  and selfish daughter. The one who went to college who won't support her father. My dad asked me if I had $2500 today at lunch. To which I advised no. Last month he asked if I had $10,000 he could have or borrow. I wouldn't be living at home if I had that kind of money stored up.

I live pay check to pay check attempting to snowball my debt within the next year with my car payments and credit cards and within 5-7 years with my student loans. Apparently I am not a good daughter because I won't "lend" him money or because I went to college and am not stable enough to help him. His partial investment in my education isn't paying out for him and the blame gets placed on me. I learned a lot of what got me where I am financially is because my parents didn't teach me good financial skills, but also because my parents (with the exception of some student loans) don't provide for me like most people my age or that I know in my community. I anticipate little to no financial help with the time comes for me to get married.

The thing that makes this so hard, is that I have overcome leaps and bounds of hurt and pain from the verbal and emotional abuse that I experienced as a child. You can read about those discoveries and healing in other blog posts of mine.
But any time spent with my dad when I am not fully healed is like getting another paper cut or getting a band-aid quickly ripped off.

It's unfortunate.
But I have to remember... paper cuts happen. And they eventually heal and the string stops hurting.

I pray that I can eventually avoid all paper cuts because I have healed so much and been restored that God's grace and compassion for my father is like healing super powers and the paper cuts eventually don't hurt and don't happen.

I ask that you pray for my heart to continue mending. For God to continue to allowing me healthy distance until I can over grace and compassion only. I pray that my dad can come to know the loving Father I know and that he can find healing and forgiveness in the arms of Our Savior.

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home

One year ago... November 15th...

One year ago today, I boarded a flight from Haiti and returned back to the States.
I had just finished living in Haiti as a missionary for almost three months.
It is so crazy to think back on how times flies, to think back on all that God has done in the past year.
I cannot believe that we are nearing the end of November and almost the year.
I don't want to jump into another year in review, like I did last year, just yet... I have about five weeks before I can review 2014.

However, I do want to recall the things I have learned in my relationship with God and the things I learned while living in Haiti and how they are still affecting me today.

I have learned the importance of processing my trip and the importance to continue serving, not just longing to be back in a place that was my home sweet home. I call it the holy suffering.

I think the greatest thing I have learned is home is where I am. And Jesus is within my heart, no matter where I am. When I went to Haiti the third time (for three months), I went into my move thinking that I was going to be transformed and grow deeper in my relationship with God because I was in Haiti. While I did grow deeper in my relationship with God, I grew because I had to intently seek relationship with Him. It didn't just fall into my lap because I was in a third-world country. I think in previous trips, we seek God out because that is what we are suppose to do. Our days are filled with serving because that is what it organized for us to experience the most of the trip and of the country. We do devotionals and pray every morning because we are seeking to serve God and we have full schedule of service activities planned. Living in Haiti as a missionary was different. It was life, it wasn't a mission trip entirely. I had to develop me own routine in Haiti and in my life/relationship with God. It wasn't done for me, but is was the perfect example and starting point for what I would need in my life returning home to the states.

Almost three times a week I went running with my roommates in Haiti and it was beautiful because not only was I trying to stay fit but it allowed me to clear my head each morning as I watched the sunrise. I was able to pray over the dilapidated homes, to listen to worship music, to pray for the kids that chased us down the street and to join in fellowship/community with my roomies. As we walked back up the hill to the mission from the street we ran, I would pray for the day but then I would grab some water, a cup of Haitian coffee and my journal and bible. I would put on a my worship play list and just pray over all the things God was doing in my life and in my heart during my time in Haiti. I met with Jesus almost every morning and it was so beautiful because I can look back and read through that journal and see all that God taught me. It also created an example to my roommates and to the Haitian staff and kids who saw me. I was simply meeting with my Father, my King, my sweet Prince, and my Savior.

When I left Haiti, one of my roommates left me an encouraging note. She thanked me for my friendship, for the example I set for her as a Proverbs 31 woman. It was so humbling. We often spent evenings, when we could manage to find an internet connection and would talk about weddings and watch proposal videos online. It was totally cheesy. We often joked about what it meant to be a Proverbs 31 woman and about what we desired for marriage and what life would be life once we were married. The conversation was often divided. I cannot wait to share my learning and life experiences with my husband. It was so humbling to be considered a P31 woman. I pray that I can continue to become a P31 woman and to be an example to other women in the way that I live my life.

Lastly, my time in Haiti allowed me to find some sort of closure. The first two times I went to Haiti, my heart ached to return to Haiti and to live the simple life. During my time of living life and being a missionary, it allowed me to be at peace with returning to the States. God had granted my one wish to be a short-term missionary for more than a month... but for three months. He had fulfilled a deep desire and longing for my life, but He also allowed me to see that I needed a lot of healing and processing at home to take place. As you can read in blogs from this year, you will see that God had done so much healing in the past year that I have been home. I have learned that home is wherever I am and God is with me wherever that is. My time in Haiti also gave me the opportunity to learn about love, to learn how God could stretch my heart and love more and more each day. It also created a great routine and foundation to my relationship with God and knowing how to live the simplistic life. I have currently been Facebook and Instagram free for the past two months as I am on a social media fast for God's direction and for healing. I have cut out tv during the week and have learned so much as I have dug deeper and deeper into God's word as I have been co-leading a new believer's bible study. Also God has even opened up my heart to the possibility of traveling on another mission trip that is not Haiti.

Please be praying for me as I continue to serve in my home sweet home.
Pray that I continue to delve into God's word and for direction, healing, and rejoicing in the simple pleasures of life. Pray for my heart to be in tune with God's will so I can continue to find rest in Him and hear His still small voice. Amen.