Mixed emotions keeping up once again... so just LOVE...

It’s 1am…

I’ve been having trouble going to bed at a reasonable time lately… but that’s not the purpose of my writing. I am still learning and processing everything that happenened in Camden not only recently, but from last year. I have learned so much about God and myself within the past year and have changed my views about of lot of things and I have tried to become a new and better person because of the people I’ve met and the things I’ve learned.

I’m sitting here in the home I’ve lived in for six years now. In Southern California where I’ve spent my whole life… where I was born, raised, have grown up, and just where I have created a lot of memories… yet… I feel at a loss. At times I feel like a huge part of me is missing and that piece is back in Camden. It’s crazy that I feel so much love in a place that is 3,000 miles away. Sometimes I just want to cry out of sadness and loneliness and then sometimes I want to cry praises and joys for everything. I think that Camden broke me and there are bits and pieces of me that are still broken, yet Camden also filled that brokenness with so much love. It filled it with God’s love… his unconditional, steadfast love. He taught me how to love… to love myself, him, my kids, and just complete strangers. I’ve mentioned the community of Camden in a few of my blogs and maybe the words on this page could not bring justification to the joy I’ve felt because of that love. Listen to my words and look at me as I talk about this love and you’ll see my face light up, I’ve heard people tell me that, but I can feel the joy in my face… if that even makes sense.

I am experiencing a culture shock which is weird to even say because I did mission work in the United States. I love my life. I lived a very blessed life, but another part of me feels heartache for my kids who hear gunshots at night or don’t know what they are going to eating; my kids who live in a broken home, a home with no love, or a home where they have no role models. How do I find the balance? What can I do?

I want to just share my story and my experience with anyone and everyone, but half the time I can’t even get two minutes with someone. I don’t want the love to end in Camden… I want it continue, but I don’t feel it at home. It’s different here. There is love here at home, but it’s not the same. Is it wrong that I want to build another Urban Promise out here to recreate that love? That isn’t the only reason why, but of course. I’ve seen the great things happening in Camden and there is just as great of a need out here in Azusa or even Los Angeles.

I’ll just stop here because I feel that I’ll just continue to paint more and more repetitive circles around myself and I don’t even know if I’m making sense.

So I just ask you to pray because at this point, that’s all I can do because I don’t have any answers… but maybe it’s better to not have any answers.

Want to help me? Listen, respond, react, and just love. Love God, Love Yourself, and Love Each Other. Help and Serve One Another. Love by lending a listening ear, don’t bottle things up inside, love with a smile, a long embrace or hug. Love my looking into one another’s eyes and try to gain an understanding how each other is feeling. Love because God showed us how to love and love just because.

Love.
j