And so it begins...

And so... I am back... here is to hoping that I can actually keep this consistent more so than before. I have so much to say and so much the catch you fellow followers and bloggers up the speed on. But to start you off... I recently was able to hack into my myspace acount after almost three years. Why you ask? Well, blog reader... I wrote some interesting stuff on the old myspace, so here is one thing I wrote in 2008... enjoy... we'll be chatting soon...

How did I get here? When I promise myself I'd never return back to this place of hurt confusion...:n

Each time I try and each time I fail.

I scream aloud but no one can hear me,

My voice just seems to echo for miles.

Does anyone know this pain I feel?

I doubt it because I continually have to put on this happy face and pretend nothing is ever wrong.

I haven't found anyone willing to dig deeper.

Why can't I find someone to jump with me into the unknown?

I know you exist, but yet each person I hope is you, is not.

But the truth of the matter is, I'm scared.

I'm afraid to give anyone a glimpse for fear of getting hurt again,

Then I'll be back where I started from,

Hating myself for blurring  the lines, where I'm stuck in this unexplainable sadness.

Is it true you have to go through a world of hurt to find happiness?

God is my refuge, and my strength.

But can he protect me from this happening again?

Can I learn to protect myself and trust in you?

I'm grabbing onto His hand and holding on for dear life,

But still I feel like im sinking into a world where I don't know how to survive and be set free.

I'm sure this hurt was never intended, by any means,

But yet it happen… again.

And I feel left here alone.

Damaged, broken, and used is what I am, here where I stand.

I am trying to heal, but am caught in this unending cycle.

I'm so tired.

I am tired of waiting, tired of wanting, and tired of having to wish for things to change.

I'm losing hope quickly and looking to find comfort in someone who understands.

Can my heart and head ever agree?

One feels the love, passion, happiness, pain, and hurt of it all, while one knows it and knows right from wrong.

Can I ever learn and love with both, can they coexist and work together, it that even possible?

Wish me luck as I try to figure it all out...

-Posted February, 4, 2008

Another one called: "To Love Again"

Sometimes your heart hurts and your feel pain in places you didn't know you could,

Yet you get up each day ready to start fresh in hopes that today will be better,

And it is when you believe and hope in what you never thought you could.

Having faith when you don't know why yet knowing its right.

Loving when you thought you couldn't love again.

Yearning and wanting a love that you've maybe never experienced,

Yet know that it exists because that hope and faith lives within your heart.

It dwells there healing the brokenness and emptiness,

When you thought you'd never be the same again,

Yet now you're even better than before and ready for anything

Ready to love and be loved and to learn what love is.

So I wait here patiently waiting for that love to find me because it is your grace,

That has saved me and gives me the ability

To love again.

-Posted November 24, 2007

"Unrequited love"

Tonight I was working on a paper and watching the movie The Holiday and it made me start thinking about some of the quotes from the movie...

"Journeys end when lovers meet.

For some love fades, for others love is simply lost, but then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then there is another kind of love, the one that almost kills its victims, unrequited love."

"Being in love with a man who will not love me back"…

Why are you so great?.. a question often posed in movies and even in life. Posed to the woman from the man, yet the woman never ends up with the man. She is so great yet never great enough for the man. Now true, that most of the times the man does not deserve the woman because he is a loser or db, but even sometimes I have heard that, "you are wife material". Also this is the same, what does that even mean. Is it possible to be wife material but not girlfriend material. Sometimes I even get the comment, you're such a mom. I think it is possible to care for someone so much that it may resemble the way a mother cares for her children. I don't have to be a mom to love others, to bake and cook, and to care for others so much that often times you forget to care for yourself.

Back to the stuff about love: "the one that almost kills its victims, unrequited love", "being in love with a man who will not love me back". Umm… this describes me almost to a T from a past relationship. To be committed to someone yet they can never fully make the commitment back, so you're left there hanging alone as you have poured out your heart as you wait there for something in return yet it never comes. I've moved on past this for quite some time now, but thinking back I don't know if I would have changed anything because I learned so much about myself and so much what I want and about God through this confusing and complicated relationship. Man, was I a victim for sometime, but now I can look back at it and see how far I have come and what I have learned since that night I decided to let go and let God take care of it all. It was one of the best decisions that I have ever made and yet we still remain friends. I wonder if he ever knew how deeply I truly felt. I must say it'll be a little awkward when we see each other soon and I give him his Christmas gift, which I bought months and months ago before it all ended and I changed and my life was changed when I traveled to a new place. Who knew it would take 3,000 miles to realize all of this, yet it was the best experience of my life and I learned and grew so much.

-Posted November 24, 2007