Monday nights seem to be the heaviest nights of the week for me. Honestly because I have therapy. But as I sit here with a heavy heart and heavy and puffy eyelids, the evening did not start as I had planned.
I sat in my doctor’s office this evening to do a check up on my injured leg/knee. The appointment was a 6pm and I had told the receptionist when scheduling it that I had to be someone where by 645pm. It was the first prayer night after the summer at church. I loved these nights of prayer and worship. As the clock ticked away, I got more and more emotional the longer I waited. Forty minutes later the doctor strolled in and my eyes were filled with tears. I didn’t like the information he gave me as well. He referred me to an orthopedic doctor/surgeon to have my knee looked at by an expert. He rulled out a torn meniscus or ACL for the most part. He said more than likely it will heal itself in about 6 weeks, but physical therapy would be a good option. It was not the news I wanted to hear, my best friend’s wedding is in 34 days. I have to wear heels. I miss working out, and having energy and being able to do things. As I sat in the car, rushing towards the church, my head filled with thoughts of how much is this bill going to cost and then the next one. How can I continue to hobble around slowly and feel so incapable of doing much and feeling so needy, but refusing to ask for help. Then some peace settled amongst my tear filled eyes…. Rest. But I don’t like rest? Rest!! But it’s hard, and I have a million and one things to do… just rest my sweet child. You and I both know you need it.
As I snuck into the room full of people, I began to sing worship and praise. I went up to have a pastor and friend pray with me. They spoke such truth, which always breaks my heart because I long for truth who I am to be spoken to me by my family. We prayed for feeling of my leg. We prayed for my work place, and for my heart and the future and lastly we prayed for my future husband. Tears filled my eyes and I felt God speaking.
As I sat afterwards with my therapist, I caught her up on my week and then we discussed new goals. I was in an emotional state after everything that had already happen that evening and I began talking about my fear of disappointment in my family for the future. I fear being let down by them again and again. I fear abandonment by them . My greatest desire is to be known and loved. To feel like I am known, like the way a spouse or best friend is supposed to know each other. For years, I felt so lonely. (I know I have fulfillment in Christ and have a great source of church family). But what I’m talking about is truly digging deep into emotion, digging into the pain of the past and feeling the pain that I felt in the moments of the memories that I was going through.
Tears flowed as I recalled the moment my parents stopped giving us gifts for Christmas and just started handing us cash. The feelings of that they didn’t care enough to know me and get me a gift of value and meaning, a gift that showed me they knew me and loved me. A memory of high school and how my friends that I had known for over five years forgot my birthday, I then began recalling every birthday. I have luckily had some good ones in recent years. But each year I am so fearful of not turning a year older but feeling forgotten and unknown and being disappointed. The pain was so raw. Birthdays are so special to me because I feel as though it’s the one day a year about me. The one day I ask for.
As this pain was raw and open, my therapist began praying for me. Praying for healing for my leg and praying for healing of my heart as I work through this all.
Thank you Lord for the ability to dig deep, dig deep into the emotional heartache and pain of the past. Lord, I lay these feelings at your feet and I ask you to redeem me. I ask you to continue to fill me with your love and joy. I pray for your peace. I pray that I may fill loved and cherished by you always. I give these “memories” and hurts and pain to you, oh Lord.
Please pray for me as I continue working through such pain and to find healing and restoration. Pray for me to find joy in Christ alone. That I don’t need birthdays or celebrations to feel cherished, but that I would feel loved by Chris alone. Lord I pray for rest during this time, and to be still so your can strengthen me!
Pray for me as I rest this week.