Last night as my therapist prayed with me I felt peace but the emotion that had stirred was still so heavy. My therapist looked me deep in the eyes and said, I wanted you to journal if there is anything left of these emotions and work through them. Then I want you to spend some time with Jesus. I felt as if she knew my alone and quiet time had been lacking. I want you to spend time with Him and pray and see what He will reveals.
As I sat up in bed last night, I cried more and prayed more and journaled last nights heavy emotions. The sense of anxiety weighed heavy on my heart, the pain and emotion was so raw. That even as I tried to write or seek God's guidance that my heart and eyelids were so heavy that I couldn't clearly think or seek God to the depths that I needed to go. I truly needed rest. So I decided to go to bed. But I remembered as my therapist assigned me the time with God and time to reflect I remembered that this Tuesday, today, I had a late start for work. I didn't have to be in the office until 8am. I knew then that was the perfect time to spend with God since I don't get much sleep, I would be awake at my normal schedule.
So here I sit in Starbucks just having spent the past hour journaling and praying and so in love with God and what he revealed.
I ordered a croissant of yummy goodness across the street and a new latte, coffee dates with Jesus. I need to enjoy this time, not thinking about the budget or the calories, but to just give into what sounded perfect.
I sat down, opened up the journal and the devotional and turned on my favorite worship station. I was ready to read and pray and journal and to dig through the emotions. I figured the process would be awhile. But no, God jumped straight to what He wanted me to do and pray.
The lyrics came on: "There is POWER in the name of JESUS to break every chain."
God wasted no time, He jumped right to the point. He wanted me to break every chain. Every chain of pain that binded me.
I laid the thoughts of the past at the feet of the Cross. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the disappointment- I gave those over to God and asked Him to take them captive.
I prayed more and wrote more as He spoke.
You are light, when the darkness closes in. You are peace, Oh Lord, when my fear is crippling. My fear was crippling.
I hand my future to you Lord, take it and give me peace and patience in this process.
"Greater is He that is in you, than he who is in the world." -1 John 4:4
You are my protector, you fight the battle for me. I need to give you the battle. Even in the midst of war, you fight for Me.
In His presence I find peace. I think I often forget that and I forget to just sit still in His presence.
"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." -Ephesians 6:12
I prayed what the next devotional read
"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling." Exodus 15:13 (NIV)
Lord, let my actions aim to please You, not other people. May the pleasure I find in You satisfy my soul. Your view of me surpasses anything else I desire or pursue, so I praise Your Name and rest in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Psalm 63:2-3, "So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains." (MSG)
Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (ESV)
As I prayed and tightly closed my eyes, I prayed for God to reveal more, something specific, something of truth. I was astounded by what He revealed, because it was something He had revealed to me before... yet again, I was awakened and encouraged by the way God loved me and cherished and delighted in me. I had prayed last night to felt delighted in.
He revealed words that He has spoken before, words which I had thankfully journalled a few months ago.
In the midst of deep sorrow, His light breaks through and redeems me. I press into Him. He fights my every battle.
Thank you Lord for breaking every chain so I can be free. Thanks for standing in the gap, thank you for walking with me. Lastly, thank you for whispering the words I needed to hear:
YOU ARE WORTH AND WONDERFUL!!!
Thank you Lord for the ability to dig deep, dig deep into the emotional heartache and pain of the past. Lord, I lay these feelings at your feet and I ask you to redeem me. I ask you to continue to fill me with your love and joy. I pray for your peace. I pray that I may fill loved and cherished by you always. I give these “memories” and hurts and pain to you, oh Lord.
Please pray for me as I continue working through such pain and to find healing and restoration. Pray for me to find joy in Christ alone. That I don’t need birthdays or celebrations to feel cherished, but that I would feel loved by Chris alone.