V is for Vine and Vulnerability
“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
This is the verse that I am currently clinging to because it is now that I am truly clinging to the vine for wisdom and direction. I feel as if I’m in the process of a pruning. I am being pruned so that I can bear more fruit. But the question I ask is when can the fruit began to bear, when in the pruning done? Now there is not answer, I believe that the pruning is constantly happening but as to for what or what result, that I do not know.
I sat back in the decision area at church last night and talked about my feelings with a friend, as she listened and agreed and spoke wisdom and prayed for me. It felt so good to just be open and honest and pour my heart out. I feel like I am often times going through the motions, especially since being back from Peru. I am trying to survive and pay bills, taking two weeks off of work unpaid for Peru was extremely hard, especially while I was breaking from "California life" to go and serve, my bills unfortunately did not take a break and still had to be paid. So I get caught up in the normalcy and feel as if I mask my feelings or heart when with friends because I don't want to entirely dump my emotional baggage on them. The transition period has always been emotionally difficult on me after coming back from a missions trip.
The thing I think I am struggling with most is the unknown. But it really isn't entirely unknown because I know God will provide but it is a matter of how and when that I ask myself. I am attempting to patiently wait on what God has in store. But I find myself in this limbo, I find myself desiring more of Him. It was beautiful to be in Peru and to serve God for 12 days. I felt so aligned with my purpose there and so in tune with the things He was doing, I saw His might, power, grace, mercy, and love. I came back in a confusion and stress. Before even leaving for Peru, I prayed for the transition home. As we sat in the living room in Peru, I prayed for direction and change in my life. I have been feeling something stirring for a few months, something big is going to happen. A change is in process and I can feel it and I don't know what it is. I think I am ready for it, but I am clinging to the vine in preparation for whatever is going to happen. I feel as if I am not getting enough of God maybe, but I'm saturating myself more with Him. Maybe I need to get back into my routine of journaling and constantly reading because the few devotionals a day and worship music constantly and the sermons through out the day aren't cutting. I need more prayer maybe and more of the word.
Last week as I was driving down to San Diego I felt convicted to pray and be with God, I tuned down the radio to a low hum and began to pray out loud. It was weird and difficult and took me a few minutes to get going, but once I started I couldn't seem to stop. I began weeping as I prayed over my life and prayed for my family and friends and situations. It was about 50 minutes as a buzzed down the freeway and just talked outloud to God, I felt the passion in my voices as the words just flowed out. It's crazy, I can't explain that. Maybe I need more alone time to be still with God.
The last time I felt a pruning was the last time I was in a job search, I pleaded with God as I diligently applied and volunteered to filled my time with much for a year and a half. That pruning hurt and was hard, but it did bring me closer to HIM. Then I found the job I have now which I can barely stay afloat with, but it came by in the right timing at the time and now I'm in this limbo again of figuring things out and just waiting. Then there was October where I questioned things with God after my car accident last year as I thought I may have lost a friend after a fight and as I lost my car and my life literally came to screeching halt. But so much came out of that though to and I thank God for the good and bad from that and it brought me to where I am now...
Waiting on God, I lift my hands up in praise and thanksgiving and in wait of wondering where to go. I bow to my knees and cling to Him and the vine, knowing He WILL PROVIDE. He always has and always will. So I cling and I wait once again on His perfect picture and perfect timing. I am excited and ready for this change though, so here's to waiting. I hope some of this made even a little bit of sense in how I'm feeling.
So I ask that you please just pray for me. Pray for figuring out how to better serve back in my transition home.