B is for Balance, Betrayal, and Belief
I am the queen of over commitment, a princess of spreading myself to thin, and a daughter of hospitality, kindness, and generosity. I get it from my parents and it also has in the past tied into my previous entry of feeling accepted. I am awful at saying no because I can be a total people pleaser. I attempt to make sure everyone happy, all at once. God knows the desires of my heart and my love for serving and it was not until more recently that I am learning about balancing my life out with everything in order to keep myself sane. Balance is something I have really been praying for as I have begun working full time because I love everything that I do, but I want to do everything and it is too much. I have everyday of every minute planned out practically. Now though I am focusing more on that despite whatever is on my plate that God will be the center of it. An upcoming mission trip to Peru and following God’s desires and will for my life has me stepping down from commitments that will benefit my health and continually prepare my heart for Peru.
Now having a few nights open, I know God knew what was in store and He knew what things that I would now need in my life. Not just openness but community during the period of life I am in. If you’ve ready any of my previous poems/blog entries, I have been writing and dealing with betrayal. Not going into too much detail, out of my surprising respect for this person still, I was betrayed by someone I trusted and respected. I confided in someone with something personal and heartfelt. I looked up to this person at one point, considered them a friend and a leader, and even a mentor during one part of my life. However, now I am left feeling hurt and betrayed by something they did and something that they did not do. The funny thing (well, not HaHa funny) is that amidst the hurt and pain God is bringing healing, immense amounts of healing and growth. The fact that despite any bitterness or the angry/funny things I could say to hurt this person or make myself feel better; I hold my tongue and I still uphold and respect this person. It is not my job to judge her, I can only pray. Pray for forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation. I can pray that this person will not hurt anyone else and that God will wake this person up to reality and to be aware of those around them.
It is my belief that God will bring healing and so much growth through this hurt and pain. I believe that I am strong and can overcome this and come out with new insight, new growth, and a new and healed heart. For when I lay it all down at the foot of Christ, it is where the healing can begin to transform me. Giving Him the tattered and broken pieces of my heart allows Him to reshape it and mold it, like a new and wet piece of clay. I believe in Him and that He will make me new. I am now in a new small group, have made new and supportive friends, and am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses to help me through this time.