Ff = Future

F is for Future

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

I believe in my dreams and they are beautiful. I have dreams of a successful career, dreams of traveling, dreams of being in love, dreams of being married and starting a family, dreams of loving and serving those in need, but every day I must lay those dreams down at the foot of the Cross. I lay down those things because I want to follow and be doing God’s will. While I do believe that each of those dreams will be fulfilled and come from Him, I do believe that He will fulfill those things in His’ timing according to His will. There is nothing that I can say or do to make those things happen, well, actually there could be tons of things I COULD do to have those things and those dreams in my life. However, they would not be blessed by God in the way that He desires. I think that laying down my dreams and desires is a sacrifice because what-if one of those dreams isn’t achieved or isn’t brought to life, but I cannot live in the what-if. I can only live in the now and present and knowing that if anything, I would be following God’s will by laying down my desires to follow His direction. While the thought of not having the husband, kids, and white picket fence with a cute and faithful dog at the foot of the bed scares me, I do know and believe that God is faithful and I believe that if I am following Him then He can bring that happiness and joy that does not need to be found in those dreams and desires.

So I leave tonight with a prayer:
Dear Lord,
You know the deepest desires of my heart. You know my desire to show your love through marriage and to be an example of you to my husband and kids. But Lord, I give you him and them and I know that you will fulfill my heart with your joy and love. I desire to serve and love you with my whole heart, to have my cup overflowing with your love and knowing and feeling your presence. I desire that you would take those desires, as hard as it is to let go of them, and that you would light my heart and desire for you on fire. I pray for your love and mercy and grace. I pray for patience in waiting on you in all things. I thank you for your love and sacrifice. Help me to sacrifice my dreams and desires daily in order to love and serve you more.
In your presence and Holy Name,
Jennifer

Ee = Earthly Parents

E is for Earthly Parents

With Mother’s Day this weekend it has me not only thinking of my mother and all of the amazing and wonderful things she has done for me. But it also has me thinking of my earthly spiritual parents that have impacted my life so greatly. Recently a dear friend pointed out that we have spiritual mentors, like spiritual moms and dads that are in our lives. I have had several thinking back over the years. My parent’s are Christian and while I love them dearly, with all my heart… they have not been the greatest spiritual leaders in my faith. Don’t get me wrong now, they brought me up in the church and loved as best they could and as best they knew how to, but something has always been slightly missing. They didn’t know how to love with the love of Christ, they didn’t entirely know how to direct and lead me and our family in a spiritual and godly way of life. They lacked a personal saving relationship with Christ, one that relied on faith and prayer and living within our means. My parents are loving and hospitable, and caring but they have not only been the only influential people in my life. My grandmother Millie is super foundational to my faith, but that is for another letter and blog entry.

I have been more than blessed by spiritual leaders and parents in my life and I would like to just talk about a few:

The lovely Sara! She has been like a big sister to me since I was about 15 years old and has always taught me about life and God. She taught me how to balance life and how to take things one day and one step and one assignment at a time amidst my anxiety. She has always made me laugh, especially her blog. A lot of my sense of humor and jokes and voices can be attributed to her and us spending time together. I could not imagine my life without her and cannot wait to see what God has in store for her and cannot wait to have her at my wedding (whenever that is) because it is something we have discussed and something that would be super special and amazing and could not imagine her not being there.

Next is my dear and sweet Kelley. She was a “proctor” while I was in middle school and I talked to her about everything. Middle school was a time when my mom and I fought a lot and even my girl friends and I were always fighting or disagreeing about something or everything… we were preteens and teenagers. The drama always kept me coming to Kelley because she would just listen and talk. Sometimes I even felt like the teacher’s pet and I was more than okay with that because Kelley loved me and always supported me. She came to every promotion, graduation, and ceremony from middle school to now.

Almost two years ago her family was going through a difficult time and my youth group sponsored her family and gave them $400 dollars for Christmas, which I presented to her at my master’s graduation. It was so beautiful because she was there to support me and I in turn go to support her. My whole family cried when I presented her the money after the ceremony.

Two others are Rachel Collins and Joey Versace, my college and young adult pastors and CCV. They are amazing, almost too amazing for words. I call Rachel, Mamas or my Rachy Boo. She is funny and quirky and totally crazy and I love her and her curly hair and her amazing personality. She is the mom over the college ministry and couldn’t imagine someone better fit for it. She is nurturing and loving and she isn’t just my pastor. She is sincerely a friend who I confide in and who I share my life with and she shares her life and stories with me. I am so blessed to have her in my life. Then there is the one and only Joey Versace. Joey is one of the reasons that I am involved in everything that I am. He sought me out and saw me as a leader and guided me and directed me into new ministries and into realizing new and wonderful things about myself and about how to serve God. I am one of Joey’s bible divas… Bare Hipani… a personal favorite if I do say so myself. Joey is also determined to fine me a husband after I helped him and did wonders with an event at the church… bring on the men, Joey. Also I know that Joey has my back and deeply cares for me and is super protective like the Italian father that I never had.

Lastly, there are two new “parents” and mentors in my life that I am still learning from and getting to know but I do believe that they will hold an exteremly important part in my life and in my walk with God. Mark and Shanda Oakley.

Mark is my team leader for my missions trip to Peru and has played such a foundational role in the funcuality and success of our team. He is a nurturing and caring leader and such an awesome man of God. His wife Shanda continually amazes me. She is outspoken in the best ways, lovely, beautiful, kind and caring, and funny. They have been more than generous to me with their finances in helping with the upcoming trip to Peru, their open years for listening, and in giving me guidance recently. I feel as though they have really taken me in under their wings and into their family. I was reminded of being thankful for the simple things that God provides for me as I just sat in the sun with Shanda at a yard sale talking about life, as I washed cars with their daughter Adele for her trip to Kenya, and as our team sat and laughed with Mark over self-serve frozen yogurt. They are truly a blessing and I cannot wait to see what God continues to do in their lives and in their walk with Him. They are my CCV mom and pop!

To end I want to say that God chose Joseph and Mary because of how they would provide for Jesus. God picked them because of how they would fulfill what God had in store for Jesus. While all of these people have been placed in my life for a reason, my lovely parents have been foundational to my faith in bringing me to church at a young age and nurturing me. Maybe my purpose is to continue to help them strength and grow in their faith and to have them have a personal loving and saving relationship with Christ.

Love you MOM and DAD!

Dd = Dating

D is for Dating

Dating in and of itself is a foreign concept to me, possibly even a foreign language. It is like me and my attempt to learn Spanish right now; I wish it was easy and that I could better understand it and even interpret it. Yet I am still learning and hoping to understand it without trouble and let it flow into a perfect sanction of knowledge (I’m not even sure if that makes sense, but it sounds lovely). Dating is exciting to me however because in it there is adventure, mystery, and intrigue.
Coming from a Christian university... dating didn't exist. Hardly, and I don't think that the lame school dances and hanging out watching movies with boys count. What about real dating and the excitement of getting to know someone new and that they intrigued you and so you want to go out with them again, until you realize they are really awesome or not so much.
I take dating very seriously because I am not dating for the sport or fun, but I am dating to marry. My emotions and heart are a beautiful thing and they are not to be toyed or played with, forsaken, or meant to be trampled on in hopes that someone better will come along. I am not saying that dating cannot be fun or have job and excitement in it, but I am not going into it with the idea that I am getting a good dinner. I am also not saying that I need to know if you’re my “soul mate” within the first date as well. Something Pastor Jeff said this weekend, stuck with me.. that is that a soul mate is something that is cultivated.
I feel like so many people’s relationships or marriages fail because Christ is not at the center. There is a lack of communication. I have heard so many people talk about how they have been dating for x amount of time and so marriage is the next step. But is it really, have you evaluate your sacrifices and evaluated your hopes and goals for the future? Dating the “right” person should be about the next step being in relationship and then marriage. While the wedding is great and grand and beautiful and fun; it should more of be about the desire to spend the rest of your life loving someone and it being an example of the way Christ loved the church. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for my wedding and to be married but at the end of the day I want it to be about the man who is holding me hand and kissing me goodnight.

Before I depart you my fellow bloggers and readers… I recently went on what I will call a date, more of a lunch with a male friend who I think is attractive, sweet, and funny and also wouldn’t mind getting to know better…but he did what I hope other MEN would do when pursuing a lovely lady like myself. I suggested coffee and asked that he upgrade it to lunch because it’d been sometime since we last chatted or hung out, plus point. He was stuck at work and running late and I have a designated lunch period so he offered to bring me lunch to work and he texted and called before our meeting time to tell me the situation. We walked to lunch, where we proceeded to eat at a little bistro and discussed music, life, and our dreams for the future and or desires. The conversation was a little equal and we both shared and talked and threw questions at each other for equal amounts of time. It was all just the way it should be and so easy going and natural, it was great to be paid attention to for just an hour even if it may or may not have been only as friend. A good’ol hug and well wishes to finish it out.

Until we meet again, and trust me this topic will be coming up at least one or two more times in this A to Z Challenge.

Cc = Congratulations

C is for Congratulations.

C is for Congratulations. This Saturday, will mark four hard years of work, tears, joy, and laughter for many of my friends from Azusa Pacific University. Other than my own graduation, this one is meaningful because I dear friend and sister of mine is graduating.
Her name is Rachael. She is beautiful, amazing, loving, caring, considerate, funny, honest and real, and she has become family to me.

It all started in 2009 when we met. She interviewed for a missions trip to Camden, New Jersey that I was leading. I loved her heart and her testimony and decided to pick her. I chose her because I knew Camden would rock her world, would teach her, change her, and help her to grow. I also saw a bit of myself in her, the young and innocent-ness of being in your late teens and early twenties. There was a connection a bond that grew from something more than two girls traveling together, something more than a leader and student or follower. We quickly became family.

I became like a nurturing mother to my sweet, Rachael. I was just one of the people who got to pour into her life and watch her grow into the beautiful woman that she is now. We fought like mother and daughter and laughed and joked like sisters. Greater than any bond was our bond in Christ and our relationship continually developed, especially in Camden and over our mutual love for children and the children suffering of injustice.
Now over two years after meeting, she is graduating. My dearest Rachael is graduating a woman who has fought for her beliefs, has fought for her desires, and has fought to be an example. She has overcome so much and learned so much. She is graduating with a job and graduating and moving into the unknown and moving into a new life and new place, in an all new adventure.

I love you my dear, sweet, and beautiful Rachael. This only describes an ounce of how I feel about you and how proud I am of the woman you have become and everything you have accomplished. Lastly, I love that you and I will always share our bond of Tyrone Wells! You are loved!

Bb = Balance, Betrayal, and Belief

B is for Balance, Betrayal, and Belief

I am the queen of over commitment, a princess of spreading myself to thin, and a daughter of hospitality, kindness, and generosity. I get it from my parents and it also has in the past tied into my previous entry of feeling accepted. I am awful at saying no because I can be a total people pleaser. I attempt to make sure everyone happy, all at once. God knows the desires of my heart and my love for serving and it was not until more recently that I am learning about balancing my life out with everything in order to keep myself sane. Balance is something I have really been praying for as I have begun working full time because I love everything that I do, but I want to do everything and it is too much. I have everyday of every minute planned out practically. Now though I am focusing more on that despite whatever is on my plate that God will be the center of it. An upcoming mission trip to Peru and following God’s desires and will for my life has me stepping down from commitments that will benefit my health and continually prepare my heart for Peru.

Now having a few nights open, I know God knew what was in store and He knew what things that I would now need in my life. Not just openness but community during the period of life I am in. If you’ve ready any of my previous poems/blog entries, I have been writing and dealing with betrayal. Not going into too much detail, out of my surprising respect for this person still, I was betrayed by someone I trusted and respected. I confided in someone with something personal and heartfelt. I looked up to this person at one point, considered them a friend and a leader, and even a mentor during one part of my life. However, now I am left feeling hurt and betrayed by something they did and something that they did not do. The funny thing (well, not HaHa funny) is that amidst the hurt and pain God is bringing healing, immense amounts of healing and growth. The fact that despite any bitterness or the angry/funny things I could say to hurt this person or make myself feel better; I hold my tongue and I still uphold and respect this person. It is not my job to judge her, I can only pray. Pray for forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation. I can pray that this person will not hurt anyone else and that God will wake this person up to reality and to be aware of those around them.

It is my belief that God will bring healing and so much growth through this hurt and pain. I believe that I am strong and can overcome this and come out with new insight, new growth, and a new and healed heart. For when I lay it all down at the foot of Christ, it is where the healing can begin to transform me. Giving Him the tattered and broken pieces of my heart allows Him to reshape it and mold it, like a new and wet piece of clay. I believe in Him and that He will make me new. I am now in a new small group, have made new and supportive friends, and am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses to help me through this time.

Aa = Accepted

A is for Accepted

I think since middle school I have felt the desire to be accepted like most kids and students. In middle school, there were no uniforms so you were allowed to dress however you wanted. Thinking back, uniforms made things easy because I never had to worry about what to wear because the selection was so few… those were simpler times. Now I can hardly decide, not only because I have more than enough but also because deep down there is that desire to feel accepted. What will catch someone’s attention, make me look prettier, thinner, stand out, whatever. Coming from a middle class family, we always had the necessities and the occasional wants but my necessities were the basics for school and clothes. I am a Walmart and Kmart girl, born and raised. So while I was spending maybe $15 dollars on a pair of jeans, my classmates had several pairs of at least $50 jeans and tops and everything. In high school, things only got worse because dating and dances and social classes decided to become involved. I knew that my parent struggled financially and worked very hard for everything we had, so I was lucky if I got a $100 budget for clothes and school supplies. I never really felt like I fit in because we moved two or three times throughout middle school and high school and I always felt like my “best friends” never lasted more than a year or so. I wanted to be in the in-crowd and to feel desired and that people loved me and wanted me to be around. This could have possibly started in the home because my parents both worked so hard to provide that they were not home and I felt like I always wanted to be loved by them. We did not have the same love languages and we still don’t but it’s something that I currently work on. Then there was the desire in school to have a huge group of friends but no one ever seemed to stick around for long. Even in church, I wanted to fit in and to know that I had a community to call my own. I do know and have gained so much self-worth and self-esteem because I discovered that God loves me and gave everything for me.
Looking back now, I believe that God was protecting me and truly teaching me that He was the only one that can accept me. Now I love that I know He loves me. He accepts me for me: all flaws, hang-ups, mistakes, quirks… every single little and big thing in my life.
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” (Psalm 139:14) He know every part of me, every hair on my head, every zit or scar I may have and still loves me. He loves me more than I could ever know, He has forgiven me despite the things that I have done and will do. He loves me. He accepts me and that’s all that matters.

Romans 15:7 “Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.” (NASB)

Tonight I met YOU there again...
Amidst the tears I feel YOU stripping away my layers.
The pain and weight shed with each piece that drops,
Like a flower each petal withers away, it leaves the center bud raw.
Stripped.
Raw with emotion and tear stained cheeks,
the more that is released, the emptiness I feel,
But I know I must pour out all betrayl and brokeness in order to feel again.
To be filled once I must lay it all at YOUR feet.
Because as the petal wither away, a new flower can began to bloom.
Teach me and show me and help me to heal.
YOU mend the brokeness by shaping my heart because I've placed it in YOUR hands.
I'm ready for the bud to emerge and the flower to bloom and to see the growth that has be brought.
Because YOU have fought for me.
I felt YOUR presence wrapped around me, holding me tight.
A mournful sigh released, I know that healing can only come by YOUR will and way.
FOREVER AND ALWAYS.