It started with a missions trip to Camden, where my life and perspective were changed and where this blog began. Life has been a roller coaster filled with its ups and downs and I'm excited for the adventure and discovering what God has in store, even though I really dislike roller coasters... I am a Lady in Waiting...
Recently, I was sitting at dinner with some single friends when one posed the question of, “how are you guarding your heart as we enter the holiday season?” It was a question that I truly had to think about. Singleness is most felt from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day; as families gather holiday-after-holiday, I am more easily reminded of your lack of a spouse or potential children. Now, with Christmas quickly approaching, I think it is important that we guard our hearts during this holiday in order to focus on the joy of the season.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Phil 4:6-7
1) Guard your heart by not comparing your singleness to the life of your married friends. Reflect on the things God has allowed you to accomplish during your times of singleness. For me, I’ve been single for 30 years- my entire existence. I have accomplished both bachelor’s and master’s degrees. I have travelled the world serving God and loving on children. I did all those things with God and dear family and friends by my side. While I look forward to achieving much with my future spouse, I can also achieve so much without being married. Maybe, if you’re a single mom, think of the beautiful children that you have raised, the challenges you have overcome and the ways that God has provided for you, even without the additional support from a husband.
2) Beware of where holiday movies lead your heart during this season. If you’re like me, I had to take a look at where Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas movies were taking my thoughts. If I find myself longing to live out a Hallmark movie, I must grab the remote to change the channel and take a moment of reflection to put the movie into a more realistic perspective: Boy and Girl fall in love. It's Christmastime and everything is just snowflakes and butterflies. Boy and Girl fall into a tearful, dramatic argument just 30 minutes before the movie ends - but not to worry, Boy and Girl make up within 10 minutes and run off to get married (Christmas themed, of course) just in time for the movie to end in joyful, romantic song." It is not real life. It can be okay to watch this, but if you are hoping for some crazy romance novel or movie kind of love, take a step back, set a new boundary, and guard your heart and mind.
3) Surround yourself with great friends and family. I deal with my single status best when I am not continually reminded of it by others. Last year, I spent New Year’s Eve with all couples and I still had a great time. Hang out with friends that you can have fun with and enjoy this time of year with. Friends that make you laugh and enjoy your company.
4) Love others well. In moments where you feel “desperate” for love or companionship, pray, talk to God, then text a friend. Be a friend to someone else. Everyone needs love and encouragement.
Lastly, reflect on this season for its true purpose - that God gave His Son for this world. While you may feel a lack of romantic love, you can still love another and be a blessing during this season. While you help bless others, you, in turn, will be blessed and your soul will be refreshed. Good luck, dear sister. You got this!
It’s okay if today is hard because you realize today that you’re more single than ever. To me, it’s just another Tuesday night. I didn’t always feel that way.
But I want you to know that I feel you and I get the difficulties of singleness and I want to apologize to you on behalf of maybe some people who have hurt you. I want to apologize to you because you deserve to be apologized to.
I am sorry if this holiday has made you more aware of your single status.
I am sorry if you feel you like the last one in your friends group to get married or to even be in a relationship.
I am sorry for the friend or two that might have neglected your friendship because they are now in a relationship.
I am sorry for all the bad dates, you’ve had to go on in hopes of “putting yourself out there”.
For all the times that someone asked you if you tried online dating and they proceed to list every site that they can think of and occasionally throwing in JDate for laughs.
I am sorry for the friendships that ended when someone got married because their life now changed and they feel that you don’t understand or no longer have time.
I am sorry for the church’s whose emphasis has been put on women’s ministries where you felt like the only single person. For the ministries that made you feel less than if you weren’t married or didn’t have children. Or for the church’s that never spoke about singleness or catered to the needs of the single person.
I am sorry for the all the well-intentioned Christian men who might have led you on in friendship or relationship.
I am sorry if you ever felt the need to prove yourself and your value or worth to a man, for the times that you felt you had to go above and beyond to get his attention.
I am sorry if he didn’t reciprocate the feelings but took advantage of the attention you paid him.
I'm also sorry if he never learned how to communicate with you, especially if he is no longer interested.
I am sorry for every time you have heard, “you’ll meet him when you least expect it” or “I can’t wait to meet the person you marry”.
I am sorry for the times that you just have to nod and smile when family or strangers ask, why you’re still single.
I am sorry for the times that you might of masked the difficulty of singleness in satire.
You know what though, singleness doesn’t have to be lonely. You’ll be okay, you’ll survive this season. It can, if you allow it, be the most joyous season and a season where you learn and grow the most. Every season God takes us through is one of growth, learning, and surrender, grace and love. Sometimes godly love, self-love, and love with a man in relationship and eventually marriage..
So my dear fellow single sister, I applaud you for all that you have had to to endure during singleness. I hope that you embrace this season. I praise you for the strength that you posses to live each day out of your heart and soul status not your relationship status. It’s just another Tuesday, go eat some tacos and watch This Is Us!
The week of Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite times of the year because it is filled with many service opportunities amongst my church family. This year one of the women from my Growth Group and I (along with her teenage daughter) somehow loaded my car with five boxes of Thanksgiving items, four turkeys, five pies and packages of rolls. It barely fit but we did it and we set out amongst Covina and Glendora. I love serving alongside children and teens because it begins to instill bits of the importance of gratitude and giving back. I didn’t grow up serving alongside my parents, but I learned to love others through their generosity with those they encountered.
As we jumped around town, we delivered meals to our first two families. Our third family was a family of eight. I had a sense of angst as we approached this home as each of our hands were filled with boxes and items. We were greeted halfway through the yard by a man who helped up onto their patio. We had small talk, wished them a Happy Thanksgiving, invited them to Christmas Eve services, and then offered to pray. I felt slightly uncomfortable to offer prayer after we invited them to service. I am not sure why, but there was a hesitation I think because I felt a tinge of uncomfortable due to the chaos of the home that surrounded us. We offered prayer and they gave us basic requests for family and health. We prayed.
I love prayer because it allows us to come to the Father in humbleness, in thankfulness, and to make our petitions. We petitioned for this family and for their needs. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6) Prayer creates vulnerability with God and each other. It was after our prayers that this family began to open up and share their struggles, hurts, and pains of the family and the past. There we stayed with them for another 30 minutes as we offered encouragement and recommended connection to the church community and services. I am thankful for the opportunity to pray with others in all circumstances and for the way that God connects us to others through prayer.
As I reflect upon last night, I am reminded of God’s faithfulness. It is through prayer that we are humbled. Through prayer, we are able to connect with others and can share moments of vulnerability. I love seeing what God does through big faith, generosity, and prayer within our local communities and through our simple obedience.
The past few weeks my church has been going a series on the Ten Commandments. I had missed church the previous weekend as I was preparing for a small speaking engagement with the financial firm, and so I couldn’t recall which commandment we were on. As I walked up the stairs into the auditorium of the church, I read the list of commandments from where we had last left off and I was halted in my steps as I read: “Honor Your Mother and Father”.
I believe that this has been one of the hardest commandments that I have struggled with keeping for awhile. My heart sank into my stomach as I prepared to hear the sermon.
A basic synopsis of my childhood from two other posts:
“Most people who have met me or have seen me live life would never know that I have experienced some traumatic verbal and emotional abuse for most of my life. Heartbreaking neglect and hurtful and harsh words thrown at me from my parents, the people that are suppose to love and accept me most. For the longest time, I held it in. I surrounded myself in busyness and burying this deep heartache and pain because no one could know. It was the lie I believed. I felt unloved and unlovable.”
“Life hasn't been easy or difficult, I have had some very low moments in my childhood and adulthood and some amazing joyous moments. Truth of the matter is, I once was a daddy's girl. At some point things change and my relationship with my dad changed. But I couldn't take the deep emotional hurt or verbal abuse. Truthfully, it doesn't matter what his addictions or pains are, it is my baggage that had to be dealt with, sorted through, conquered, and left at the feet of the Cross. Not every day is easy, but each new day is better as I strive to find forgiveness and healing. Through therapy I began to see my dad for who he is, not who I wished he was. I began to see him as a lost, hurting, and broken boy. I began to let go of the titles, pressure, hurts, and bitterness. God has redeemed me and brought a lot of healing and restoration.”
If you would like here are a few other posts of the back story (or feel free to explore my whole blog later):
Briefly glancing over those posts brings up such raw emotions as I linked them just now.
As difficult as it was to sit in the service, it spoke such truth to my heart. The pastor shared that “children are like an arrow- held, pointed in the right direction, pulled back, and then released. Released into the right direction”.
Despite my difficult and emotionally painful childhood, I still have to honor my parents like I honor God. I have learned over the years that I must serve and honor my parents like I serve and honor God. I’ve learned that the closer I grow to God, the further I was from my parents but that the closer I grew to God, the more that grace and love for them grew.
The thing that most spoke to my soul from the pastor was that he spoke about how sometimes honoring your parents is about creating space with them. That was myself with my family over the past two years since moving out. Space created healthy boundaries for me. Therapy created ways for me to process through my past and find ways to be tolerant of the words that were spoken to me. Therapy allowed me to not hold thoughts of my parents hostage because when I do hold them hostage and place blame, it truly holds me in with bitterness. God’s love broke down many emotional barriers for me.
The pastor then said, “that it should break your heart to have to obey God when it in turn disobeys your parents.” This described so much of my turmoil amidst our relationship. My choice to move to Haiti or go on mission trips, my choice to move out, my choice to work in the nonprofit sector. God had led me to so many amazing opportunities and sometimes they didn’t meet my parent’s will for my life but it met God’s perfect will. When my will and God’s will align it is a beautiful thing of peace.
Although there were times, places, and spaces where I felt empty or broken or unfulfilled, God filled in the gaps and He made a way for me.
As I was recently making an upcoming list for a party, I was dumbfounded by the amount of people I had on the list who have impacted my life. I don’t say that to sound conceited or popular, it’s quite opposite actually. God has first and foremost filled me and comforted me with His presence over the years. But secondly, He has brought so many people in my life that also filled gaps that I needed. From friends, to other families who have invited me over for Thanksgiving meals, Christmas dinners, Easter and other important times- when I struggled being apart of my family, so many other families came by my side and welcomed me into theirs.
I think one of my greatest prayers has been for my future husband’s family to include me into their family like their own (like I’ve maybe been a missing piece and the perfect fit for their son), to even potentially call me daughter as well. I am thankful for the healing and restoration that God had done through me because of surrender and through a therapy chair in the past. Life with my parents has not been easy, but I am thankful for the honor I wish to still bring them and the respect I have as appropriate boundaries and space were created in my adulthood. I am excited for my future family and to hopefully impart wisdom on those who struggle through similar family circumstances. The conversations aren’t always easy but let me know if you want to chat.
Dear Lord, please continue to give my vision to see things like you do and to see family through a filter of love, honor, and respect and offer grace continually.
Last night I found myself in Fullerton for the evening. I was helping out a friend by pet sitting overnight and had no plans. If you know me, not having something going on is a rarity. My heart felt a tug to catch up on rest and to spend time with Jesus. Yet I still felt a sense of loneliness and wanting to be surrounded by laughter and people’s company. I began texting friends, seeing if anyone was free and would be in the area. Like the sound of bird chirping (my text tone), no, no, no, kept resounding over. It isn’t often that I find myself in Fullerton but one of my favorite restaurants is in Fullerton and Orange. I had a great day at the office yesterday as well as a successful month and it begged for a bit of celebration. As my heart felt a sense of solitude, I prayed. I debated even going out at all, but then I thought why not celebrate with God. Take myself on a date and enjoy this time.
I feel good in my current state of singleness, but there are moments where my heart is pinged with the sting of loneliness. The thoughts of what relationship and married life could be like; those feelings of sorrow don’t come up that often but when they do I find myself stuck in my head and seeking God to get me out. I needed a sense of courage to go out alone, but I sensed God calling me into deeper love and relationship with Him for the evening. I recently heard that the opposite of courage isn’t fear, but it’s self-preservation. I wanted to preserve my time and be surrounded by company. But even though I know I am chosen by God, I don’t live as such. I would rather live in the quietness of home and embrace my singleness in private than outwardly in public. I am continually learning that my identity is in God, not in the company of others. As important and significant as community is, I (sometimes) place more value in living in community with others, than living and communing with God.
I left and set out. I haven’t been to this restaurant since December and I was so excited. As I wandered around the restaurant (seat yourself), the only table I could find open was right near the front door. A small round table for three, there I sat, facing the front door. Each person who entered and left the restaurant could see me there. Sitting alone. I surveyed the menu, ordered a glass of wine and appetizer and my meal. I pulled out a book and began reading. I’m reading Bianca Olthoff’s “Playing with Fire: Discovering Fierce Faith, Unquenchable Passion, and a Life-Giving God”. In the few chapters I read sitting there at dinner, I felt God drawing me closer. I gleaned to the words Bianca wrote, finding correlations to my own life.
More and more I find myself listening to that still small voice, simply obeying and God allowing blessing to flow through me unto others in ways I didn’t expect. That’s a post for another day, but today God has been calling me to be still and to become more and more on fire for Him. Treat yourself out to a night with you and your Creator where you can enjoy the stillness, listen for His still small voice, and enjoy the company of yourself and His presence. Make the most of the time you have, and if you don't have time... then make time because He desires our presence and calls us to find Sabbath margin.
I remember being a sophomore in college when I discovered my life verse, “Little children, let us love not with words and speech, but in truth and action.” I often hung out in the Student Success offices because I was a commuter and had made friends with the alpha leaders and staff there; it was one one of the computers that I read this verse for the first time and a deep peace resonated within my heart and soul. It was in college that I truly began living out my faith and was brought to do things that I never imagined: changing my major, moving to the East Coast for a few months for a couple summers to serve in a community and culture unlike the one I grew up in. The verse stuck with me and then while I was living in Haiti for three months, it took newer and deeper meaning of God’s love not only for me, but for the sweet orphans that I spent my days with. I could tell these sweet children that I loved them, but to them the words were empty like many other promises that were often broken in their lives. To truly care for these children, I needed to not just love them through kisses and hugs, but to help to provide for their daily and basic needs; water, shelter, and food.
Love is a crazy thing and it allows you to do crazy things out of our overflowing love from Christ. My prayer has always been that God’s love would be pour out to others through my actions. I think this world needs this same love now more than it ever has. So what can we do, what is our call to action.
Ten years later, I work in Student Success and my colleague and I were dialoguing about how can we support local law enforcement and police officers. There was a tragic car accident last night and so he encouraged people to support them, “We need to rise up and let our boys in blue know how much we appreciate and value them. Text or call your law enforcement and first responder friends, let them know.” I was so challenged and convicted by this statement and our conversation. Sometimes if we don’t act upon a moment of motivation, it passes and dies and nothing is accomplished. I was reminded of the tattoo of 1 John 3:18 on my wrist. How do I embody His love? As I was getting ready for bed, a burst of energy came over and I got to the kitchen. I made chocolate covered oreos with cookie butter drizzle and then my heath brownies with honey roasted almonds. I had a late start for work and knew that I need to utilize my few free hours in the morning. There is so much negativity floating around our society today and I was filled with such joy as I dropped off those two different goodies for two different law enforcement offices. They didn’t know my name, I didn’t write a card… I simply passed the items off to another office and whispered my thanks and gratitude for all they do. Police and Fire Departments has come to my rescue throughout my life as my dad worked for public service/government and we’ve been put in unfortunate circumstances, so for me personally I have such gratitude for these men and women who love their community and risk their lives.
How often am I thankful or appreciative of something but fail to actually express said feelings? How often am I embodying God’s love and serving others? My challenge is for you, for us to display our love more through our actions. Through that simple hello and smile to a stranger, to that coworker who needs encouragement, or to that homeless man or person who is hurting. Paying for that strangers meal or Starbucks behind you in the drive through, or for just acknowledging someone’s existence or helping to provide for their basic needs. So friends, let us Love Out Loud!!!
I remember being a sophomore in college when I discovered my life verse, “Little children, let us love not with words and speech, but in truth and action.” I often hung out in the Student Success offices because I was a commuter and had made friends with the alpha leaders and staff there; it was one one of the computers that I read this verse for the first time and a deep peace resonated within my heart and soul. It was in college that I truly began living out my faith and was brought to do things that I never imagined: changing my major, moving to the East Coast for a few months for a couple summers to serve in a community and culture unlike the one I grew up in. The verse stuck with me and then while I was living in Haiti for three months, it took newer and deeper meaning of God’s love not only for me, but for the sweet orphans that I spent my days with. I could tell these sweet children that I loved them, but to them the words were empty like many other promises that were often broken in their lives. To truly care for these children, I needed to not just love them through kisses and hugs, but to help to provide for their daily and basic needs; water, shelter, and food.
Love is a crazy thing and it allows you to do crazy things out of our overflowing love from Christ. My prayer has always been that God’s love would be pour out to others through my actions. I think this world needs this same love now more than it ever has. So what can we do, what is our call to action.
Ten years later, I work in Student Success and my colleague and I were dialoguing about how can we support local law enforcement and police officers. There was a tragic car accident last night and so he encouraged people to support them, “We need to rise up and let our boys in blue know how much we appreciate and value them. Text or call your law enforcement and first responder friends, let them know.” I was so challenged and convicted by this statement and our conversation. Sometimes if we don’t act upon a moment of motivation, it passes and dies and nothing is accomplished. I was reminded of the tattoo of 1 John 3:18 on my wrist. How do I embody His love? As I was getting ready for bed, a burst of energy came over and I got to the kitchen. I made chocolate covered oreos with cookie butter drizzle and then my heath brownies with honey roasted almonds. I had a late start for work and knew that I need to utilize my few free hours in the morning. There is so much negativity floating around our society today and I was filled with such joy as I dropped off those two different goodies for two different law enforcement offices. They didn’t know my name, I didn’t write a card… I simply passed the items off to another office and whispered my thanks and gratitude for all they do. Police and Fire Departments has come to my rescue throughout my life as my dad worked for public service/government and we’ve been put in unfortunate circumstances, so for me personally I have such gratitude for these men and women who love their community and risk their lives.
How often am I thankful or appreciative of something but fail to actually express said feelings? How often am I embodying God’s love and serving others? My challenge is for you, for us to display our love more through our actions. Through that simple hello and smile to a stranger, to that coworker who needs encouragement, or to that homeless man or person who is hurting. Paying for that strangers meal or Starbucks behind you in the drive through, or for just acknowledging someone’s existence or helping to provide for their basic needs. So friends, let us Love Out Loud!!!
I remember being a sophomore in college when I discovered my life verse, “Little children, let us love not with words and speech, but in truth and action.” I often hung out in the Student Success offices because I was a commuter and had made friends with the alpha leaders and staff there; it was one one of the computers that I read this verse for the first time and a deep peace resonated within my heart and soul. It was in college that I truly began living out my faith and was brought to do things that I never imagined: changing my major, moving to the East Coast for a few months for a couple summers to serve in a community and culture unlike the one I grew up in. The verse stuck with me and then while I was living in Haiti for three months, it took newer and deeper meaning of God’s love not only for me, but for the sweet orphans that I spent my days with. I could tell these sweet children that I loved them, but to them the words were empty like many other promises that were often broken in their lives. To truly care for these children, I needed to not just love them through kisses and hugs, but to help to provide for their daily and basic needs; water, shelter, and food.
Love is a crazy thing and it allows you to do crazy things out of our overflowing love from Christ. My prayer has always been that God’s love would be pour out to others through my actions. I think this world needs this same love now more than it ever has. So what can we do, what is our call to action.
Ten years later, I work in Student Success and my colleague and I were dialoguing about how can we support local law enforcement and police officers. There was a tragic car accident last night and so he encouraged people to support them, “We need to rise up and let our boys in blue know how much we appreciate and value them. Text or call your law enforcement and first responder friends, let them know.” I was so challenged and convicted by this statement and our conversation. Sometimes if we don’t act upon a moment of motivation, it passes and dies and nothing is accomplished. I was reminded of the tattoo of 1 John 3:18 on my wrist. How do I embody His love? As I was getting ready for bed, a burst of energy came over and I got to the kitchen. I made chocolate covered oreos with cookie butter drizzle and then my heath brownies with honey roasted almonds. I had a late start for work and knew that I need to utilize my few free hours in the morning. There is so much negativity floating around our society today and I was filled with such joy as I dropped off those two different goodies for two different law enforcement offices. They didn’t know my name, I didn’t write a card… I simply passed the items off to another office and whispered my thanks and gratitude for all they do. Police and Fire Departments has come to my rescue throughout my life as my dad worked for public service/government and we’ve been put in unfortunate circumstances, so for me personally I have such gratitude for these men and women who love their community and risk their lives.
How often am I thankful or appreciative of something but fail to actually express said feelings? How often am I embodying God’s love and serving others? My challenge is for you, for us to display our love more through our actions. Through that simple hello and smile to a stranger, to that coworker who needs encouragement, or to that homeless man or person who is hurting. Paying for that strangers meal or Starbucks behind you in the drive through, or for just acknowledging someone’s existence or helping to provide for their basic needs. So friends, let us Love Out Loud!!!
“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit [c]of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so [d]prove to be My disciples. Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.” -John 15:4-11
What does it mean to abide?
Loosely translated to me it means to allow love, goodness, and fruitfulness to flow through the the vine that is Christ. That flowing and connection can produce much fruit and goodness.
Abiding contains three parts: Connection, Dependence, and Residence
1) Connection- connected in salvation, acceptance and baptism. We are connected through the Holy Spirit. I can stay connected by spending time with Him, through prayer and His Word. Our connection is cyclical in that we abide in him and he abides in us.
2) Dependence- True connection of the vine provides sustenance and life. We rely on the vine (God) for life. We are completely dependent on Him for spiritual fruit. He can survive without us, but as the branch we cannot live without being connected to the vine. For us to bear fruit, we must be completely reliant on the vine. The branches do not produce fruit if they are disconnected from the source (the vine).
3) Reside/Stay- To abide means to stay, to reside in His presence not temporarily but permanently. Our relationship with Christ is not simply a one-time fling, but a life long relationship. It is a marriage of love and sacrifice. God sacrificed because of His love. We aren't simply visiting His presence, He beckons us to stay awhile, in fact He asks us to stay a lifetime until we are forever home with Him..
As life becomes monotonous and we go through the motions, He beckons us closer. As the seasons come and go and change, He calls us to stay close because He will help us weather the storm. He simply asks for me to abide because He makes a way.
He made a way indeed these past twelve weeks. Over the past four months, God has revealed so much to me and my word of the year has been abide. In what felt like a spiritual drought for myself a few months ago, God led me into deeper communion with Him. He taught me what it means to abide in Him.
When I first took my job as a buyer in Claremont for a transportation logistics company it was not something I ever saw as permanent. There were hopes of growth but there was continuous management change in my department. I oversaw large accounts and built great relationships within the network, but I don't think I could ever reach my full potential. My strengths could not be utilize or flourish in the way that I believe that they were meant to. So I began seeking and praying to God and began applying for jobs.
As previously mentioned, I felt like there was a lack of spiritual growth in my life during this season and I was challenged to abide in His word. I went to visit a church down in San Diego, and the pastor challenged us to get into the book of John. Each day he challenged us to read one chapter, I like to call it my own 21 day fix. I obliged in the reading because I needed something to draw me closer in my quiet time again, and John 15 stood out to me more so than it ever had. As I completed the 21 days, I went to a women’s conference and a chapter they focused on was John 15 again.
I had been unhappy in my career for sometime and was absent in my own relationship with Christ at times, but I started just digging deeply into His word and prayerfully seeking what to do next.
In December, I spent many long nights after work updating my resume and cover letters and applying to jobs all over. The process alone of juggling two jobs (corporate and then part time as a financial advisor) and then emotionally and mentally applying left and right is quite exhausting. Well, mid-January I received a call. I had a phone interview and then another in person a week later on my birthday (I gave up social media right before to eliminate distraction and truly seek what He was going to do next). Four more interviews later, I received an offer. In the process of about 6 weeks, I was first overcome with anxiousness and then so much peace. I believe peace is the precursor to joy.
The offer financially was not what I wanted, but the offer for new life was. You see I had just received a 15% raise. The job transition was not only in a completely different field, but taking my new raise into consideration, it was almost a $10,000 pay cut. Yet, I felt peace. God was going to do big things through me. He calls me not only to abide in Him daily, but to allow my finances to abide. He calls me to trust in Him.
I am so thankful for the support system that God has surrounded me with… an amazing small group who prayed and encouraged, a peaceful home filled with two very wise and Christ-seeking women, and a handful of prayerful best friends/mentors who gave me references and provided guidance and blankets of prayer. God had been blessing me in more ways than I knew. When I took on the second job (one year in June), I knew I was skilled as I continued learning and growing in the financial industry. My desire for that job has always been to pay off debt and save more money. I had no idea how God will bless me in this new work field as He gave me new friends (some of which whom I now spend all my time with), but also that I had a talent in financially helping and teaching others. I was just awarded as one of the Top Ten advisors in our office over the past four months. My pace of clientele will not only make up the difference but provide so much more than I ever thought.
Visiting my favorite spot, Praising God!
So after just over two years in the corporate arena on February 19th, I gave me two weeks notice, cashed out my vacation time and took a week off. Now as I end this twelve week social media fast, I am already embarking on my sixth week as a Success Coach with Azusa Pacific University’s University College. It has been a dream of mine for over seven years to go back and start my career with APU. It has been a dream that I have long held onto and God blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
First Day (back) at APU
With the pay decrease and job transition, I have saved more money and been blessed financially and spiritually more than I could have ever imagined. God is fulfilling these dreams that I had once whispered to Him in prayer. Another thing that God has been doing is calling me to a new ministry, Leadership USA for Girls. That is not the name but gives you a general idea. A few years ago, I remember hearing about this boy’s leadership camp in Australia and how they were raising young boys/teens into becoming men of God as they prepare to enter adulthood. I asked God, where is the girls’/women’s version of that? It was a simple question and prayer that I quickly let go over because I could have never imagined going to Australia with the time off I had in the corporate arena. Well, God had been working something within my heart over the past six months as I stepped back with several ministries as I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do next. As I was in a coffee house back in February (one which I rarely go to) I ran into an acquaintance who was meeting with someone about the men’s leadership camp in Australia. I began telling them about how I was leaving my corporate job and they began telling me that there is a girl’s version of the camp in Australia and they then invited me to go. I was shocked and confused and overwhelmed. What? God, are you serious? I began praying. I honestly was quite taken back and overwhelmed by the idea… it was terrifying? And I had so many questions… but I know God had been calling me to something that I didn’t know what that was or when? I have always had a heart for mentoring young women/teens. Less than a week later, I happened to accompany a co-worker to get coffee and there were those two gentlemen again. They had already told me that they had talked to the women’s leadership team about me and that I had to go. Well, long story short… last week I had the time off approved for September. I’ll be taking two weeks off (thanks APU for giving me six weeks of vacation a year!!!) and just purchased my plane ticket to Australia last week (thanks God again for blessing me with a second job I love that provides). Holy Moly God, this is amazing.
If you have made it this far, I thank you sincerely for reading. You may now pass GO and collect $200. Just kidding. But on a serious note, I hope this encourages you to abide in Him and ask yourself what He is calling you too. No dream is too small. Eliminate distractions and get into His Word if you feel distant and surround yourself with an amazing support system of those who love you, encourage you and lift you up in prayer.
Now go out and find and achieve those God-sized dreams...
Last night at church they had baby dedications during the service. It was so beautiful to see parents committing their children to the Lord. The Pastor talked about the story of Hannah and how she prayed and prayed for a child and that if she was given one that she would dedicate him completely to the Lord.
He answered her prayer and she gave birth to a son, whom she named Samuel. When Samuel was born, Hannah prayed these words:
"For this boy I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of Him. So I have also dedicated him to the Lord; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the Lord." -1 Samuel 1:27-28
Then is Luke 2, we also see that when Jesus was born that he was dedicated to the Lord.
The pastor talked about how one of these babies could be a pastor, a teacher, a firefighter, or someone who changes the world. It was beautiful thing.
If you are a parent and believer of Christ, are you truly prepared for where God will guide your child? He could call them to Haiti or Peru, maybe both, to a life of corporate world, maybe to life as a stay at home parent, or singleness, maybe even to being a receptionist or construction worker. When we commit our children (future for me) to the Lord, can we truly release them into God's safety and love? Do we realize the commitment being professed in that?
I was once dedicated to the Lord, actually baptized in small Lutheran church by tradition. My parents and godparents stood before the church and dedicated me to the Lord. I am sure my parents had the best of intentions for my life.
But my life hasn’t turned out the way that they wanted it, my life has been marked by truly following the Lord because God has truly captured my heart and I have sought to follow where He guides.
After church tonight I was once again reminded that the path of following God can often times be marked with human heartbreak and disappointment. I offered to take my parents to dinner, I had big news for them. My mom offered to make dinner, a family dish that I had been craving. It was a kind offering. I was extremely nervous and excited to share my news with them. To her sadness, I was not announcing I was in a relationship and had a boyfriend.
I arrived at their home after church and my dad was not home, he decided to go watch the fight at a local restaurant. So I told my mom the big news, I had left my corporate job and had gotten a dream job. For about 8 years I have desired to be on staff at my alma mater, a private Christian university. Application after application and a few interviews over the years had led to no success, but something in my heart new that one day I would go back. After I completed grad school, I knew that God had something bigger for my life than the corporate environment.
Well, once telling my mom the news she then bombarded me with questions about my income and what I would be making. I kindly told her that it did not matter and that I was happy and that it really was not her business. I told her I am okay and the benefits are great. She confessed that their investment in helping paying for my education was not paying out for them as they are still paying off some of my student debt. I am paying off that debt still as well. She told me that they had dreams of me making $70-100k a year and to help them their own debts.
As much as I knew a conversation like this would happen, my heart still felt disappointment. I had known that I would need to separate myself from the outcome of the conversation because I cannot control their reaction, even if I understood it. Yet once again I felt that I had not measured up for them. I spent two years working in a corporate environment and as much as I loved the people I worked with, I did not love the demand or stress, some of the constant management changes within my department. My department was moving towards a more commission based environment, highly focused on sales, and highly competitive. All things that are not who I am.
I know that the path God has me on is the correct one, that my decision to follow Him into this new field will be blessed. While it makes the understanding and decision easier, the human feeling of failure in my parents’ eyes is not easy. I fought back tears as I ate dinner and left shortly thereafter. My mom hugged me goodbye and congratulated me, but it didn’t feel sincere. I know that there intentions and hopes for me, are the hopes of most parents have for their children; hopes and dreams for success.
During that encounter my small group had sent this unknowingly:
It was what I needed to see in that moment after.
It wasn’t until I text my small group what had happened and asked for them to pray for me, that hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I sat in my car in the grocery store parking lot. They encouraged and supported me.
“God IS for you. That’s all the matters.”
“Follow where God is calling you and you will be blessed.”
“You can’t worry about pleasing others. As harsh as it sounds, that includes your parents. God has a plan for you and this job is a step in that direction.”
“All things work together… Remember that. It’s hard when parents don’t see eye to eye with us, but keep your eyes on Him.”
One of the women continually reminds me that I am “clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” (Proverbs 31:25)
I called one of my best friends and mentors and lamented the story with her. She has been a huge support system for me over the few years of our friendship and she knows my parents behavior well. She just said, “I don’t understand your parents.” I don’t as well, but I am so thankful the encouraging women and church friends that I am continually supported and surrounded by.
So all I can continue doing is praying for them, praying to continue staying on the path, and knowing that this journey will make me better parent when that day comes. I ask that you pray for them too.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." -Deuteronomy 6: 5-9
There He hung upon the Cross, nailed there, stretched out
and in pain and he whispered these four “f-words”.
Forgiveness
“And Jesus said,
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” –Luke 23:24
1) In the midst of pain and suffering, Jesus didn’t point
towards someone else in blame. He asked for forgiveness.
How often do we point to someone else in forgiveness and
love. Growing up, as the eldest, I remember whenever I got in trouble that I
would immediately find a reason to point things back to my younger brother. If
it was, “Jennifer why didn’t you clean you room”… it was, well… John (my
brother) did this, this, and that. Twenty years later and I continue to still
point towards my brother and he isn’t living on this same continent currently. Last
week I showed my dad my two new Christian tattoos and he was surprised and gave
me a slight lecture. What did I do? Immediately throw my brother under the bus
and tell my dad how the tattoo my brother wants to get is so much worse. Sad
but true. My parents always told me that for every finger that I point, that
there were three more pointing back at me. Yet amidst pressure, pain and
extreme circumstances, Christ points towards others in forgiveness rather than
in blame.
He was suffering and thought outwardly of others in
forgiveness. This is so not our generation; we tend to be the generation of me
and I. As He bleeds out, lashing wounds with clotted blood from our mistakes, betrayal
and dishonesty, He wants us forgiven by God. I pray I can learn to offer
forgiveness to others amidst extreme pain and sorrow. I pray I can take
responsibility and stop placing blame.
Family
“When Jesus saw his
mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her,
“Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From
that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” -John 19:26-27
2) Jesus had Family on His mind before He left us. He calls
us to be brothers and sisters, but also to take care of one another. It doesn’t
matter what your family is like. You might be thinking, “well, you don’t know
my family.” Well, it doesn’t matter. Christ died so that we can offer grace and
kindness to all people, including our family.
It reminds me of the newest song by NeedToBreathe: “Brother,
let me be your shelter, never leave you all alone. I can be the one you call. Brother
let me be your fortress .”
His grace is so wide that His love wasn’t just for the
orphan or for the widow, but for family. When I was going through therapy I came
to the realized that I was praising my Father, while forsaking and not offering
love and grace to my own earthly family, despite the hurt, pain, and past. God’s
grace is so sufficient that if it can accept me, then certainly it can help me
to find ways to show my family love and grace.
Forsaken
“And at three in the
afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lema
sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken
me?" –Mark 15:34
3) Jesus saw betrayal at the Cross, not simply by the Jews
but He was forsaken by His own Father. He was abandon by His own Father for you
and for me. God gave up His one and only Son for me and for my betterment.
Jesus was fully human, as much as He was God. He experienced the physical and
emotional pain of being rejected, abandoned… He felt forsaken. That feeling of
abandonment hits home for me because for so many years I felt forsaken by my
family as I was the odd person out, as I was twas emotionally and verbally
abused. I was so disconnected from my family, especially as I clung to my
relationship with God. The closer I grew to God, the further I grew to away
from my family as I tried to align my life with God’s will. However, through me
clinging to God and moving further from my family it allowed me to offer grace
and kindness like never before.
Also think of that sacrificial love (hesed: loving-kindness
in Hebrew) that was displayed from God’s perspective. A few weeks ago I went to
a baby’s funeral whom had moved onto life with Jesus after such a short time on
this Earth. I am not yet a mother, but I felt the depth of loss of the child,
but even more so for my friends as they grieved. I have waited so long to be
married, and then hope to eventually children… the thought of losing my only
child pains my heart deeply. That child, no matter how old is still half of
you. There is beauty in the birth of child and then such sorrow and yet peace
as they reunite with God as His forever child.
It reminds me that Christ went through anything and
everything that I could ever experience. I believe it is our human and sinful
nature that at some point we fill loneliness. Those moments when we are sitting
along in a room, after a breakup or in the moments where we can barely find the
energy to get ourselves off the floor, He had to lift His weary head up to heaven
and see that His Father forsake Him. He experience true loneliness and abandonment.
Finished
“When he had received
the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head
and gave up his spirit.” –John 19:30
4) It is Finished.
If it is finished, why are we still fighting like He didn’t
complete it? We live life as if what Christ did wasn’t enough. How often do we
find ourselves looking for another way to Him or to Christianity? There was
only one way to God and that was through His Son. How funny is our human nature, that we should
know that there is only way… yet we are still searching for another way. Let’s
say that we even had two ways to God, I am sure we’d ask for a third option. We
are restless, yet it is finished.
His Spirit commended to the heavens and three days later He
rose again. But although He said it is finished, there is responsibility on our
part. We have to accept Christ and ask for His Spirit so that the work will
indeed be done and finished through Him. We need to jump in to experience the
fountain of Christ’s love and redemption. Even after it is finished, we still
need to do our part. We need to surrender our lives, so that His will can be
done and His Kingdom come. We cannot rest in Christ, until we submit to His
finished work.
We deserve to be guilty, forsaken and abandon, but His grace
is sufficient to cover all of our sin.
“It is finished” was the final word to human kind in committing
His Spirit back to God but also in redemption for us and for our souls and
salvation.
I pray that you reflect on these final words and the ways in
which Christ offered His love to us. I pray that even though another Easter has
come and gone, that we would keep these words and the things that Jesus did for
us. I pray that we remember God’s ultimate love and sacrifice and forgiveness.
We are redeemed and we are His beloved.
I have been spending the past five weeks studying through the book of Ruth with my small group. The book of Ruth is probably my favorite book of the Bible because I studied through it during my college single years (and even my single adulthood). The book embodies so much of the loving relationship between Ruth and God, Ruth and Naomi and then later between Boaz and Ruth.
God uses the word hesed to describe his own character. The type of characteristics that we should embody as His own. "Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth; who keeps loving kindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin." -Exodus 34:6
Hesed summarizes what God is like: loyal, committed, merciful, enduring, faithful, covenant-keeping love.
The act of hesed is often demonstrated from one person to a more vulnerable party.
The act of a covenant-keeping love is the key theme in the book of Ruth.
Ruth followed Naomi. She gave up everything for her, took on a new faith, and worked to provide for her mother-in-law. After Ruth's husband died, she had not obligation to Naomi. Naomi even urged her to leave, yet Ruth stuck by her side. She offered her a loving kindness unlike any other. She remained loyal to Naomi as she gleaned the fields and provided for her. Hesed requires sacrifice because it is not an emotional love (like I love chocolate cake... or anything chocolate). Hesed is an act of pure deep faithfulness and loyalty.
Hesed best embodies God's love because human commitments and good intentions often fail. However, God is the only one who can say, "I WILL NEVER leave you or forsake you."
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6
As I worked through the study, I loved the way that it introduced the actions of the book as hesed. I knew then that I would get hesed as one of my next tattoos. I just didn't think that it would happen less than three weeks later.
The greatest example of God's hesed is sacrificing His One and Only Son for our sake, for our benefit and for the fact that as a sinful being that we sometimes cannot help ourselves.
As I dug deeper into the book of Ruth, it wasn't about this romantic book of fairy tales like its sometimes embodied, but it was about a faithfulness of a loving God. A love with character and commitment.
Thank you Lord, for your loyal love. Thank you for your loving kindness, I pray that these symbols on my arm help me to forever remember that you are faithful. May I remember that you meet my every need, even when I fail to worship you. May I never be fearful of the future, but may I remember your love to pull me through each and every circumstances. May I rest continually in your loving kindness. I pray that I continue to learn how to offer a hesed love to those I encounter. May my future husband love me with hesed. May hesed become so engrained in my character as I strive to serve you, follow you and lead for you.
Another reason I want to do a foot washing ceremony with my husband on our wedding day because that would be the perfect example of hesed. A humbling, beautiful and outward expression of our love for Christ and our love for each other and our commitment to forever together.
Most know this as a hymn that they grew up singing, if you grew up in an older church like mine. I have always loved hymns because they hold such depth of peace, love, grace and history of the church.
Come Thou Fount has always been my song- the song that has allowed such peace to wash over me throughout my life especially when it comes to missions and life transitions. God speaks to me through this hymn in so many beautiful ways.
As a young girl in church, during a difficult time the song spoke such volumes to me. As I've gotten older, different parts of this song speak such volumes. During difficult times in my upbringing, this song always helped me to hold on and to cling closer to God.
When I was praying about going on my first ever missions trip, I would be going to Camden, New Jersey for two months. My first time away from home would be living in the poorest city in the US and in the fifth most dangerous city. I was going with APU and had been accepted on a team and had a short period of time to accept the opportunity to go. My first Sunday in church since being accepted on the team, Come Thou Fount was the first hymn we sung. A peace washed over me, Camden is where I was suppose to go.
My time in Camden broke me in the best kind of ways. I broke down walls of self-doubt, it broke down walls of racism and stereotypes and it gave me a heart for children and for missions. It was a truly beautiful. I knew that I needed to return and as I sat in the church with the choir I was, what song did we begin to sing... Come Thou Fount. I knew in that moment I would return to Camden again.
I ended up going back to Camden three times over the course of two years. During my last time back to Camden, I had just lost my job and was leading a short trip to Camden. I was sitting in a hotel room on vacation with my family and channel surfing for something to watch. I turned on this Lifetime movie, and within ten minutes there was a scene of a man being out in nature and he began to sing, Come Thou Fount. I knew in that moment that I was suppose to go back to Camden for a longer term. I fought that decision for about a week or two until God revealed again what I was supposed to be doing with my now free time and freedom.
You can read more about that from an old post.
Right after I interviewed to go on a trip to Peru, I walked into my "new" church and what song was being sung. It calmed all my nerves and I felt a peace. I ended up going to Peru for two weeks then. When I was asked to go to Haiti after leaving my job, it played again.
I was at a benefit and I saw this gorgeous chalkboard sign that read, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Tune my heart to sing thy Grace!". I knew that I wanted to get another tattoo and I saw this and I knew. I didn't win the bid for that beautiful sign that night but I began scouring the internet and found the drawing (to the left) and I knew that the design was met for me. After trying to get several designers to redesign the art for me, the opportunity presented itself last weekend.
Even now, with my newly inked wrist. As work stress rises, I can't help but look down and feel a sense of peace as I read the lyrics. I pray God continues to tune my heart to grace as I deal with difficult work situations and circumstances.
I don't know how else or when the song will continue to speak to me and how peace will wash over me, or how God will continue to use this beautiful hymn to speak to me. But I know that it will.
I do know that I plan to have this song play at my wedding... whether that be during our first communion with my husband or when I wash his feet... maybe even when I walk down the aisle. I cannot wait to share the depth of this song in my life with my future husband.
Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing, Tune my heart to sing Thy grace; Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above. Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, Mount of Thy redeeming love.
Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin, Yet from what I do inherit, Here Thy praises I'll begin; Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by Thy great help I've come; And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood; How His kindness yet pursues me Mortal tongue can never tell, Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me I cannot proclaim it well.
O to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be! Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love; Here's my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.
O that day when freed from sinning, I shall see Thy lovely face; Clothed then in blood washed linen How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace; Come, my Lord, no longer tarry, Take my ransomed soul away; Send thine angels now to carry Me to realms of endless day.
A time period of forty (days, weeks, years) is something of great significance within the Bible. Each time period of forty units is related to testing, probation, or being tried. Each period however, does end with a time or area of blessing.
I have truly been blessed.
Tonight I sat with my therapist for my last session.
Our 40th session to be exact. How symbolic.
There indeed has been much testing over the past 40 or so weeks. As I sat across from my wonderful therapist, I couldn't help feel like it was a graduation day, a great accomplishment. I have met all my goals, felt deeply, have been stretched, cried lots, and healed lots.
I went into therapy not for any addiction or life crisis, but truly just wanting to deal with life and grow. I was shocked as I had met all my goals at week 27 and now finding closure at week 40 after finishing a relationship/marriage series and ready for the next chapter of life. To be told that I am ready for marriage and have learned how to process stress and life and circumstances is so exciting and so humbling.
Life hasn't been easy or difficult, I have had some very low moments in my childhood and adulthood and some amazing joyous moments. Truth of the matter is, I once was a daddy's girl. At some point things change and my relationship with my dad changed. But I couldn't take the deep emotional hurt or verbal abuse. Truthfully, it doesn't matter what his addictions or pains are, it is my baggage that had to be dealt with, sorted through, conquered, and left at the feet of the Cross. Not every day is easy, but each new day is better as I strive to find forgiveness and healing. Through therapy I began to see my dad for who he is, not who I wished he was. I began to see him as a lost, hurting, and broken boy. I began to let go of the titles, pressure, hurts, and bitterness. God has redeemed me and brought a lot of healing and restoration.
God has also rattled me cage and has brought me ready to close one chapter and start the next.
My last post on Thanksgiving had me feeling deeply hurt and emotional and I felt like band-aids were being ripped and scars hadn't healed. I was overwhelmed by the response in emails filled with prayers and encouragement, Thanksgiving offers, and several opportunities to rent rooms.
Through much prayer and after meeting and discussing about 5 different options, God has provided me with the most amazing next chapter to start.
Less than two weeks from today, I will finally be moving out of my parent's house.
I am moving into a home, not just renting a room. Upon meeting with this lovely soon to be roomie, I felt such peace wash over me. Her home is everything that I would even envision for my own home to be like. God spoke to us in such beautiful and peaceful ways of assurance. I am excited for the learning and growth that will happen for us and honestly, I think she's pretty amazing.
Read just an expert of her blog and tell me your heart strings aren't pulled through the ways God is using her in full time ministry.
Continued prayer for re-budgeting and finances (I'll be working extra hard on photo shoots and baking/candy making to earn extra money). Prayer for this life transition and closing of a chapter. Prayer for new friendships and relationships into the new year. Prayer for continued patience and learning. Prayer for understanding from my parents (I told them last weekend).
Thank you for your continued support and love, dear friends and readers.
I am so thankful for the next step in becoming even more strong and courageous.
I will move out the week of Christmas, have knee surgery, spend a few days resting at my parent's house and with G.ma taking care of me and then officially live in the new place before the first of the New Year. Get a few more days, followed by hopefully going back to work.
As I close out week 40 of being tried, I am so excited to see God's continued blessings in the coming year and to continue to be strong and courageous each and every day. So excited for this next chapter and new year... cheers to another 40!!!
For those of you out there reading this and that know me very well, know that Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because of my family. I write this currently with hot tears streaming down my cheeks.
For years, I spent my mornings serving the homeless and serving at church and each year I would give my family my schedule and each year they would eat without me. The worst was the year that by the time I got home, they ate all of the leftovers. It's pretty sad.
Right now, my dad is lecturing my mom about not jumping into conversations to tell him to stop screaming and yelling at me. I can, not so quietly, hear him say that they never see me because I come and go. Yet he has not come to me to apologize or say anything.
To be honest, the way I cope with not being verbally and emotionally attacked is to not be home. I work a corporate job from 6am to at least 3pm every day and then my afternoons are filled with physical therapy, church, bible studies and just anything I can do to not be around my dad.
We just got in a fight. Happy Thanksgiving to me.
I was on a call earlier and he came into my room to throw mail on my bed, as the tvs in all rooms were loudly on and I was intently trying to listen to the person on the other line, I put one finger up as if to say... ssh one minute. Although no actual words came from my mouth as he swung the door open to enter.
Apparently that set him off and about ten minutes later he moved closer and closer, screaming and yelling more and more loudly. I am rude, seems to be the constant theme. When I ask him to calm down or lower his voice, it only increases the volume. As I try to apologize or explain that he misunderstood my gesture, more mud gets slung my way. I don't know that he can honestly hear anything I have to say.
Years of this type of explosive abuse... the "memories" come rushing back as I try to stay calm and not react. My voice often increases to match his and the cycle continues. I've overcome a lot of pain, hurt, and abuse this year and don't often engage him. But he has started drinking and it only adds lighter fluid to the resentful fire burning within his heart towards me.
This is the second interaction in less than two weeks and I am now taking this as God's slight pull to get out and move to a safe place.
Sometimes I think God can rattle our cages as a way for us to wake up, not that I have done anything wrong but He wants me to wake up to other possibilities.
The reason I live at home, as a 27 year old woman is that I went to a very expensive Christian school and with the exception of paying rent, I pay all my own bills. I am currently doing was Dave Ramsey likes to call snowballing.
So I ask that you pray for me, first and foremost.
Pray that I can find a new living situation swiftly and quickly.
I have a very limited amount of resources and not many financial options.
I make a great roommate. I love Jesus. Am pleasant to be around and can often make you laugh. I love to cook and am told I am a great baker. I can afford some rent, which I'd love to discuss if you have options.
My goal is to be honestly be out by Christmas. I have knee surgery scheduled the day after Christmas and this is not a healthy environment to find any sort of healing or a place where I can recover in a healthy and safe environment. Nor a place where helping me won't be held over my head down the road.
Pray for Satan to stop using my dad as his mouthpiece to whisper, scream, and yell lies at me.
I pray my parent's find Jesus and develop a relationship with Him. I pray to hold on the truths of Chris, that I am His and that
I pray to survive thru lunch with my parents. If I can even manage to make it thru that, I already have dinner with another family calling my name. But I don't want to entirely not be with my parents, deep down I'm just a little girl desiring for her parents to love.
Pray that the tears happen less and less and that my heart, mind, and soul become stronger and stronger as I continue to cling to God.
I pray to remember how Sovereign God is thru this all.
I am thankful for the ability to write and I am thankful for those of you reading this right now and those of you that I already know are praying and will hold my hand thru this process.
If you would like to offer encouragement, resources, or anything, please email me at:
jennlynichole@gmail.com
